Saturday, September 10, 2016

Gluten Free Bread Just Wants to Give Up on Life, But I Don't!

I swear, I was gluten free before it was cool, and I'm someone who never does anything before it's cool. Truth be told, the only two things I've ever done in my life before they were cool were: (1) live in the outer boroughs of New York City; and (2) stop eating gluten. Worst of all, I can't even take credit for either one. Credit for the former belongs to my parents, and credit for the latter belongs to severe eczema and the 867th doctor I went to in an attempt to resolve it.

Regardless, I have now been on the gluten-free bandwagon for close to a decade, and I can tell you one thing I've learned for sure: the aptly named gluten is the glue of bread, and without it, bread basically just wants to give the fuck up on life.

Look at my breakfast. I mean, really look at it. When I put this bread in the toaster, it was in one piece. The second I attempted to spread butter and drop some eggs on it however, it disintegrated into cosmic dust. (You can imagine how a foodstuff that conducts itself in this manner performs in terms of taste and texture, so I won't waste your time explaining it).

This is also sort of how I feel when people troll me on the Internet and refuse to understand the point I am trying to make. Like I kind of just want say fuck this shit, and not write anything ever again, in the same way this GF toast has decided just not to be bread anymore.

I don't really know where I'm going with this analogy exactly, other than to say that yesterday's widely-shared post about Hillary Clinton was misconstrued by many angry dudes and a handful of cranky women as political commentary, which it clearly was not, and then my attempts to explain myself further were predictably futile and likewise in vain.

Whatever. My point is, maybe I have to put this falling-apart, giving-up-on-life gluten free bread in my face for breakfast, but that doesn't mean I can't be a big, chewy bagel in saying what I think and standing behind it.

Bring on the cream cheese, motherfuckers. Bring. It. On.

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