Tuesday, September 13, 2016

An Open Letter to Basic Dumbfucks Looking for That Bus from "Into the Wild"

Dear Basic Dumbfucks Looking for That Bus from "Into the Wild,"

Just staaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhp. Seriously. I don't want to sound mean, but by all objective measures, you are dumb AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF! 

Yes, that's at least fifteen AFs, one for every two or three of you who has managed to get lost or die up here since your Wild Potato Jesus took his $100,000 philosophy degree from Emory, hitchhiked to the 'Banks with nothing but a 6 oz. bag of Lays BBQ potato chips and a dream, tromped 28 miles into Denali in a pair of donated Wellingtons, shot a moose, let it rot because he didn't know what the actual fuck he was doing on any level, crawled into his sleeping bag, and starved to death in an abandoned Fairbanks city bus. (Side note: Poison Berries Bro was born in El Segundo, where Q-Tip left his wallet, and where Chris McCandless apparently left his marbles).

And for whatever reason, all y'all basic dumbfucks won't stop trying to replicate this pilgrimage to the Mecca of Moron. I know. Chris McCandless was a Free Spirit and really Knew What Mattered in This Life. John Krakauer said so! He was the Henry David Fucking Thoreau of trust fund hippies, but with an even better beard. He Died Doing What He Loved. He was Free from the Material World. He was a Better Man Than Us All . . .  aaaaaaaaand alsoooooooo as Meghan Trainor might say . . . blah blah blah, I be like nah to the ah to the NO NO NO

Wilderness Schmilderness. You need to quit this shit. You are costing the State of Alaska hella dollars and time it doesn't have, not to mention risking the lives of the competent, charitable strangers who are rescuing your hypothermic asses, and stressing out your friends and relatives. 

Yeah, I'm talking to you, two bros from Atlanta who earlier this summer were the subject of a 20-person manhunt plus one helicopter when you were late returning from good ol' Bus 142. Also that chick from Switzerland who drowned trying to cross the Teklanika River. Sucks that you died, sister; truly, no disrespect. But jumping in the Tek just to snap a selfie in front of a Semi-Famous-Thanks-to-Sean-Penn-and-Emile-Hirsch-Hunk-O'-Rust was not a good look. And I'm talking to you, dude from Mexico, who was recently found alive after a ranger warned you that you were not leaving enough time for your little perambulation into the forest. 

And now what? 

You're a reason for people like me--who won't take out their own garbage because they're scared of bears (and guns), can't even manage to get on a treadmill once a week, and will probably deservedly die of a heart attack caused by pulled pork tacos and bad karma on a paved trail behind their house--to come for you on the internets over how you're a giant pile of derp for letting yourself get fucking owned by Alaska.

Whatevs. 

If it's one thing I've learned from years of living up here, it's this: I'd rather be a lazy coward Monday morning-quarterbacking your bad decisions and throwing you shade from behind a laptop than a dumb, dead headline myself.

Love,

O.H.M. AK.

41 comments:

  1. Amen. They have a replica bus outside of 49th state brewery in Healy, insta or snapchat the shit out of the bus and grab some beer, wayyyyyyy easier

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  2. You win the internet today! As someone who lived their for a few years, on a heavily fenced and protected military post, any time I hear someone say they want to make that pilgrimage to "the mecca of the morons" I laugh and say "You realize he died right? Let's not reenact that m'kay!"

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  3. Go to 49th state brewery, they have a replica bus, I'm sure with a similar risk of tetanus, in Healy. Grab some burgers and beer and Instagram/snapchat yourself senseless... It's wayyyy easier

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  4. I like the cut of your jib, but lots of people make it in and out safely. It's the only damn reason a person should ever visit Healy, IMHO, and brings in money to a highway roadstop town.

    The last dude, subject of the news this week, was just late. He was prepared and capable. His friends just freaked when he wasn't back at the appointed time.

    And, to put the final dagger in your logic:

    Ban climbing Denali because of every reason you listed in this article. People keep dying there and needing rescue and costing the state money. They go their because they are rich kids following misguided adventure. Etc.

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    1. Sorry Bro but by labeling Healy Alaska as "a highway road stop town" reliant on whatever measly pittance of money is left behind by these assholes, you have proven right out of the gate you know not what you speak of. Here's a hint, Google Usibelli and get a clue.

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    2. Don't ban hiking Denali, just ban rescues. If someone is capable of haiking Denali on their own and willing to risk dying than I wish them the best and may even celebrate their return, but if they get into trouble than they should get themselves out. Same for bus, just stop recusing them, problem solved!

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    3. Uh....its a coal mining town guy

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    4. I'm assuming none of you go snow machining, Hunting, fishing 4 wheeling, hiking or boating in the great out doors and thus would never require a rescue of any kind ever. right? cause I've lived up here 25 of my 50 years and have read about or seen plenty of these true Alaskans in need of rescue out of the wilderness.

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    5. These dirt bag hippies aren't spending any money here. Are you kidding? On what, a bag of rice?

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    7. Yes, of course, the hike out to the bus is the only recreational activity that starts near the town of Healy. Although I did hear once that there was both a State and National Park near Healy with endless mountains and rivers, but that is probably just a rumor.

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    8. People who climb Denali have to get a permit and prove they prepared. Most have a guide and I believe all have climbing insurance to cover rescue.

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    9. To climb Denali requires a permit. I believe all who climb need rescue insurance to cover this cost.

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    10. Yeah.... Ummmm Denali National Park ring any bells? I think that brings far more people to Healy than the morons trying to commit suicide at the site of a deranged hipster who was apparently ahead of his time.

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  5. Great points, but why do you care? Are taxes on the rise do to magic bus rescues? Do you work for the government, or have friends / family risking their lives for these basic DFs? Have you also written your local state reps to properly address this issue Just curious, as I often am when someone goes on a bizzaire rant like this, ridiculing a couple idiots and a dead woman.

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    1. I don't care. I just wanted to write something funny. You're right though. Ridiculing the dead is in poor taste (which I sorta admitted in the post). People make stupid decisions and shit happens all the time. I'm sure my time will come soon enough!

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    2. You should find something more constructive to do with your time. Help educate the less fortunate "idiots". Clearly you have great knowledge, speak truth, and have lots of time on your hands.

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    3. Something more constructive like trolling the comment sections of random blogs? This thing is spot on, timely, and hilarious! I recommend you quit your day job friend and preach more of this truth!

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    4. We don't have state taxes in Alaska, and we are in a huge deficit right now. Also our existing EMS resources are stretched pretty thin across a state that is the size of ~1/5 the United States. Possible solutions would be to install a cable trolley that folks could use to get across the river. Or folks traveling to the site could post a refundable bond for their rescue.

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  6. So many better places to hike in Denali. The only reason this is a subject is because of the story. Agreed he was stupid about everything he did. I've heard the reals stories from the people of Healy. He was a real piece of work. I've had my mishaps on that trail, very bad one. How much more would it have cost the state on top of the $20,000 they say it would have cost me IF I did need rescued. That's what they should warn people about.

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  7. Wow, more posts on one of your pieces than I've ever seen. I feel a little put off as I thought I was the ONLY ONE who really cared!

    Anyway I have an Obama solution, he being the Commander in Chief and all. We know have all these zootie F-35's that don't work, we are told, now stationed here. Get where I'm going? The CINC calls the right general and blamo! on a starless night two great things can be accomplished: the bazillion dollar fuck-up aircraft can gain reputation and the 142 excrescence will (maybe) be turned into nanobubbles. I realize that this will not stop the tip-top fuckwit from seeking hallowed ground but would certainly deter your average run-of-the-mill-selfie fuckwit. BUT if those lame 35's can can hit an old Fairbanks bus in the middle of nowhere.....

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  8. I'm glad to see that FINALLY, someone comes out and tell's the truth. Honestly, I'd thought about this many times over the years. People get a bug up their ass, and head to Alaska and think they're going to "live off the land"!! Well, it's not that easy, and you do need experience! Some people just don't get that. And I feel bad for those guys that get stuck searching for people that weren't smart enough to just stay home.

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  9. Gerald Poss Wow! a story coming from a self proclaimed Lazy, Good for Nothing, Pussy ass, piece of Alaska welfare shit!

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  10. Gerald Poss Wow! a story coming from a self proclaimed Lazy, Good for Nothing, Pussy ass, piece of Alaska welfare shit!

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  11. As a seaman's daughter, not from Alaska however, I think the point is that those rescue efforts cost money and use personnel that might be needed in other places at the same time by people living their lives in the region. Apart from some rescue operations being downright dangerous for the search and rescue crews too (where I live they are often volunteers). Those hikes sound dangerous and extremely selfish. But I guess these are selfish times we live.

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  12. The book doesn't portray the kid as someone one some quest for deep meaning. It tells the story of what the kid did. Where anyone got that this kid was on some quest is beyond me. Read the book, it's totally different.And further, he was typical Emory: smart, talented, rich, no common sense.

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  13. "You're a reason for people like me--who won't take out their own garbage because they're scared of bears (and guns), can't even manage to get on a treadmill once a week, and will probably deservedly die of a heart attack caused by pulled pork tacos and bad karma on a paved trail behind their house--to come for you on the internets over how you're a giant pile of derp for letting yourself get fucking owned by Alaska."
    This paragraph makes no sense, but the rest of it is golden.

    A friend of mind was talking about coming to Alaska and back-country; without any camping experience let alone solo back-country and was asking my advice over snail mail. I told him to read "Into the Wilderness" not do anything that guy did.

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  14. Actually they so require any out of state climber purchase insurance once here before they are permitted to climb Denali so that the costs to the state are nullified. They considered banning the climb. But the reality is most climbers are dedicated and have worked hard to pare, whereas most of these bus seekers are trying to replicate a fatal journey. I think the letter isn't that funny but the Denali comparison doesn't hold water.

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  15. Who ever wrote this, go fuck yourself! We were not meant to live the way we do in todays world. Just because you let fear run your life doesnt mean everyone has to. There is more to life than what we are taught in any school, which means you have to get out there in this big old world and find it out for yourself. " you got to be your own man, not no puppet on a string."

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    1. I shall, thank you! I love fucking myself! It's my third favorite pastime after eating and sleeping.

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  16. you should write a rant about the people who get stuck on the mudflats every year... darwin awards abound up here.

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    1. lol I promised God I'd never ever do that again if He would help me get unstuck before the tide came back in.

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  17. That is an awesome trip I would love to make. But I f'n know better. I am not a dumbfuck.

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  18. I dislike how we glorify people who tragically died doing stupid things. There are plenty of even better people who lived and lived better and wiser.

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