Sunday, August 28, 2016

Whoever Invented Spanx Didn't Think About This

Spanx are like a corset for the woman who wants to think of herself as a woman who would never wear a corset. But really, that's what Spanx are. 

Sure they're marketed as a peppy, whimsical, hip, overpriced alternative to your grandma's control top pantyhose. But at the end of the day, they're really just your grandma's control top pantyhose. And guess what? Your grandma's control top pantyhose were the Spanx to HER grandma's corset.

Since well before electricity, women in this country have basically been trying to hide their muffin tops. Indeed, the custom of hiding the female muffin top is older than actual muffins. That's how long Spanx have really been around.

But no matter how many variations there are on the corset, no one can market away the reality of human anatomy. And the reality of a corset is that it pushes on your bladder very hard and makes you have to pee more than usual. 

This was probably all well and good BEFORE it was considered acceptable for women of a certain station in society to pee at all, much less drink a 7/11 Super Big Gulp's worth of alcoholic lemonade at a wedding. So clearly this crude practicality was not considered.

I suppose what I'm getting at here is that while the corset has caught up to modernity, the impact it has on your bladder hasn't, and I kind of feel like science owes it to womankind to figure this out. 

Like if society wants us to go to the trouble and expense of hiding our muffin tops, we deserve to not have the literal piss squeezed out of us in the process.

C'mon. They put a man on the moon.

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