Friday, August 12, 2016

Satan Comes to Alaska!

"Satanic Invocation Opens Kenai Peninsula Borough Assembly Meeting." That was the headline of an article in yesterday's Alaska Dispatch News

Long story short, per Dispatch reporter Annie Zak, the Kenai Borough Assembly has a tradition of reading religious invocations before each meeting (God only knows why), and in an effort to make these prayers more equitable, the Assembly opened them up to everyone (not just boring old white toast Christians or the rare, stray Kenai-based Jew). 

So who should come out of the woods but an honest-to-God devil worshiper representing the "Satanic Temple." Iris Fontana gave the invocation on behalf of the Anti-Christ like a fuckin' BOSS:
Let us embrace the Luciferian impulse to eat of the tree of knowledge and dissipate our blissful and comforting delusions of old. Let us stand firm against any and all arbitrary authority that threatens the personal sovereignty of all or one. That which will not bend must break, and that which can be destroyed by truth should never be spared its demise. It is done. Hail Satan.
Welp, I'm all for impulsive eating, knowledge, flexibility, personal sovereignty, getting things done, dissipating delusions, and destroying those delusions through truth. I am also totally against arbitrary authority. Does that make me Satanic? If so, HAIL SATAN, MOTHA FUCKAHHHHAAAAAZ! GIT 'ER DUUUN!

But fortunately for Iris, Satan is already here in Alaska! In addition to the fact that Alaska is having its hottest year on record (Coincidence? I think not!) Here are five pieces of clear and irrefutable evidence that the Dark Lord is alive and well on the Last Frontier:

Exhibit A. Hipsters: I've noticed a suspicious increase in the number of hipsters suddenly cropping up in urban Alaska, and anyone who's ever lived in Brooklyn or San Francisco's Mission District knows that hipsters are an early sign of the Coming of Satan. Beard wax, mixology bars, fedoras, and neck tattoos are suddenly everywhere in Anchorage and Juneau, which can only mean one thing: SATAN LIVES IN SPENARD AND STARR HILL.

Exhibit B. Lawyers/Legislators: Lawyering is the Devil's #1 occupation after politicking. That fact is older than Shakespeare and proven in modern times by Donald Trump's personal stable of goblin litigators, none of whom, as far as I know, are Alaska-based. But there are many lawyers in this state, myself included, and I have interacted with dozens whom I believe are possessed by the Devil as evidenced by poor grammar, unreasonableness, and the tendency to bait me into an always regrettable rage via email. There is also the well-known fact that Satan will rise through elective office. SATAN IS LAWYERS AND POLITICIANS!

Exhibit C. Mold: Mold, mold, mold. It's everywhere, especially in Southeast. It gets on your car, into your walls, on your clothes, and pretty much any place that's damp. Entire buildings here are rendered uninhabitable and razed because of the creeping plague that is mold. Mold is Satan in fungal form! HIS DARK MAJESTY LIVES IN FUNGUS!

Exhibit D. Weed: Weed is now legal here, and everyone knows cannabis is THE DEVIL'S HERB. This tree for your mind might open creative doors, make you giggle uncontrollably or think you've solved an ancient math problem, lead you to worry Something Very Bad is about to happen, lock you onto a couch, and/or force you to wolf down a Fluffernutter and banana sandwich in under ten seconds. But tetra-hydro-cannabinol (a.k.a. THC) is really just a dank, green, delicious-smelling skunky manifestation of LUCIFER HIMSELF. THC secretly stands for "Total Hell Concentrate," and as I was getting coffee the other day, I spied a dark, mysterious, evil-looking figure skulking around Juneau's not-yet-opened weed dispensary, casing the joint (so to speak) for potential souls to steal.

Exhibit E. Bluegrass Fiddle Music: The disproportionate amount of bluegrass fiddle music relative to other types of music in Alaska is a clear indication that BEELZEBUB WALKS AMONG US. You'll know Satan is near when you hear a group of four or more people soulfully sawing out a creaky version of Wagon Wheel for the 800th time in one night, and after the 1,500th "Heeeeeey, mama rock me," you'll know for a fact you're in hell.

I'd like to add that the last time I was in Kenai for work, I was seven months pregnant and saw the Devil Himself running the front desk at a shitty motel across from a strip mall. He had very few teeth, and what teeth he did have were gray. Yet he assured me the water from the sink was safe to drink, despite it being yellowish-brown and the consistency of something that wasn't exactly water. I decided to play it safe and fed my fetus Diet Coke from the vending machine for three days.

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY SATAN: MAY HIS DOMINION OVER ALASKA FOREVER REIGN SUPREME!


Image: Southpark (Duh)

1 comment:

  1. Ahem, you're a little wee bit off here with Exhibit E., Bluegrass Fiddle Music. You are confusing it with 'old timey, clogging' music.
    That is where the debble has done his most insidious and crafty work. Who else could take an otherwise normal person, suck their brains out, give them a fiddle (gawd forbid a violin), and make them do a clacking St. Vitus's dance all night long to mind numbing dyspeptic cacophony? I once heard a chimp play the fiddle....

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