Monday, August 22, 2016

Men's Swimming Takes Gold for Douchiest Sport

Edging out golf, tennis, croquet, squash, lacrosse, and polo, the underdog sport of men's swimming has claimed the title for douchiest sport of 2016.

The historic victory is owed in part to Brock Turner, the collegiate swimmer convicted of raping an unconscious fellow Stanford student earlier this year, and U.S. Olympian Ryan Lochte, who lied about being held up at gunpoint in Rio when he actually just got wasted and destroyed a gas station bathroom as though he were 15 instead of 32.

"This is a huge honor, both to our country and to the sport of swimming, which has always been the dark horse candidate to out-douche other traditionally douchey white bro sports, especially golf," Turner and Lochte said in a joint statement aired at the end of a Massingil commercial during the closing ceremonies in Rio.

"I couldn't have done it without my teammates' help," Lochte elaborated, referring to James Feigen, Gunnar Bentz, and Jack Conger, who helped Lochte achieve his goal of looking and acting like the most entitled douchebag on the entire American continent.

"And for my part," Turner specified, "I'd like to thank my victim and the American judicial system that sought fit to prioritize my bright white future over that of the woman I raped by pretending I am not a convicted sexual felon simply because I also happen to be an adorable swimmer from Stanford."

Congratulations, guys! You're a credit to your sport and to the entire douche nation!

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