Monday, August 8, 2016

I Wish This Genius on a National Park Service Tour Would Keep Talking

See, I didn't come here to take my kids and my senior citizen parents on a little mellow walking tour of Glacier Bay NP to kill some time and check some shit out with this park ranger. 

What I'm really here for is to listen to you--super smart 40-something genius "from the Boston Area" with a FitBit, wraparound sunglasses in the rain, and a brand new blue Goretex jacket--share your vast wealth of knowledge on all subjects with everyone here. 

Especially your tween son who looks like he wants the forest to swallow him whole and have mold spores start working on his carcass, and your slightly younger daughter, who from the sound of it is also a budding know-it-all and not in a cute way since she is clearly threatened by my local daughter's superior knowledge of Alaskan flora and fauna. 

But espesh the dozen strangers on this little tour. They REALLY need to be made a captive audience to your Ivy League 101 lecture hall style monologue.

Please tell me again how you don't think the system of forest succession seems particularly efficient from an evolutionary perspective. Also make sure to grill the seasonal NPS forest ranger for 15 minutes on the biology of baneberries until she literally has to tell you she has "exhausted her knowledge of baneberries," because of course she has, because she's a park ranger, not a fucking PhD student at Tufts doing her dissertation on the evolutionary biology of the baneberry!

We get it dude. You're smart. You probably went to Harvard or teach there. You are smarter than everyone here! You win! Question: If I just say that out loud, will you stop trying to prove it to the whole wide world on a 1.3 mile, flat paved walk through a remote temperate rain forest? 

What no? I didn't think so.


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