Recently, I had a photo shoot for a fundraiser I'm doing. I went through the shots with this great, hip photographer, picked the ones I liked best (i.e., ones that didn't make me cringe), and posted them to promote the event.
In doing that, I had this moment where I had to admit to myself that the only real reason I ever want to share a picture of myself is because I am insecure and vain, and blatantly seeking external validation from friends and strangers alike.
Wouldn't real vulnerability, authenticity, and honesty require that I disclose that? Isn't it in keeping with my entire blogging philosophy?
I totally and COMPLETELY hate this about myself. I am 39 and want to be at the point in my life where I don't scrutinize every wrinkle or hair on my face and ounce of fat on my body in every picture that's ever taken of me. I want to tune out the whole selfie-curating culture of social media and modern life, because I think it sucks for so many reasons. Basically, I want to grow old gracefully by looking forward in sprit instead of backward in body.
It's hard to undo 39 years of internalizing the world's message to women that my life will be an irredeemable failure if I'm not thin and beautiful now and forever. Admitting I'm not there yet feels like one step closer to actually getting there.