Let's face it. It's August, and practically no one except the CEO of Jiffy Pop and Orville Reddenbacher is excited about the election.
That's why I'm pleased to introduce a third and highly viable write-in candidate for POTUS: This Giant Jellyfish my 5 year-old found on a beach in Juneau!
Giant Jellyfish is a primitive life form unlikely to engage in divisive rhetoric or alienate voters with its gender, voice, and inside-the-beltway connections, because it doesn't have a mouth much less a voice, and I don't think Giant Jellyfish has ever even been to D.C.! Plus, he's fully transparent.
Built from basic proteins and other biomatter, Giant Jellyfish is made of the stuff we need to zap our enemies in these uncertain times. We won't need a wall, because Giant Jellyfish will protect our shores from would-be terrorists with a series of sharp stings and reflexive electrical impulses delivered through his extensive network of tentacles.
Or hers. Or its? That's the other great thing about Giant Jellyfish. It's gender neutral and therefore takes no position on bathroom bills or any other wedge issues. Sure it may not understand reproductive rights because it reproduces asexually through spores or something. Who knows. Don't ask me, I'm not a Giant Jellyfish biologist, although I'm pretty sure Giant Jellyfish has never used a public restroom.
All I know is this Giant Jellyfish is a leader. Look at it sitting there with its regal bearing! Doesn't it inspire confidence? Giant Jellyfish is the only candidate with the temperament to be President.
You can trust him/her/it with the nuclear codes, because he has neither hands nor a brain, and our allies abroad will trust Giant Jellyfish to take decisive action on climate change since it/she/he comes from the ocean.
Giant Jellyfish's running mate will either be my right foot, pictured here, or possibly a stand of kelp. That's still under discussion.
Giant Jellyfish for President: Make America Primordial Again!