Just kidding. It couldn't even fill a blog post. But as a friend who grew up here in Southeast AK said, "anything that looks like it belongs in Alice in Wonderland is a definite no-no."
So I knew enough to know that this mushroom I found today while hiking joyfully in the sunshine (See what I did there, Juneau?) was fucking SHADY.
Here's literally everything else I know about mushrooms:
1. They give you extra lives in Super Mario Bros.
2. They taste like dirt, feet, and chicken all mixed together.
3. They're fucking everywhere around here and peeps go crazy for them like they're made out of crack.
4. One orange kind grows off a tree and is called "chicken/foot/dirt of the woods."
5. Another kind is called "morels" and peeps really go nuts for those.
6. Some kinds will give you severe nausea and stomach cramps before making you giggle uncontrollably at a fire hydrant, stare at your face in the mirror as it turns into a Picasso painting, try really hard to act normal in front of your grandma, feel like the long-sleeved Lallapalooza tee-shirt you're wearing is 12 sizes too big, and/or zone out on the patterns in a carpet until some of the tiny flowers begin to sprout up out of it.
Or so I'm told.