America found itself happily (if temporarily) distracted this week from its imminent demise at the hands of cornered, rabid orangutan Donald Trump by delightful superhuman Olympic specimens Michael Phelps and Simone Biles.
Phelps, 31, is still at the top of his swim game after 800 consecutive Olympics. The Baltimore native, record-setting gold medal winner, and one-time bong enthusiast speaks Chinese (Rosetta Stone, anyone?) and is part bottlenose dolphin.
Biles, 19, is the best gymnast in the entire world/ever, and rumored to be made from a mixture of unicorn dust, apple pie, spring-loaded rubber bands, Wheaties, Crest toothpaste, moxie, and the dreams of little girls.
In a joint statement released from Rio this week, the elite athletes said they were happy to offer the nation a brief respite from its perilous flirtation with a clinically mentally ill neo-fascist narcissist:
We know people only watch swimming and gymnastics every four years. But they REALLY watch that shit, you know? We think the timing couldn't be better to delight in an adorable embodiment of the American Dream with built-in foot Velcro defying gravity by doing things with her body no mere mortal could imagine. It's also a great time to watch an 8-foot giant with flippers for feet and hands churn a swimming pool into a boiling froth with his impossible speed.
In response to the statement, Burnt Sienna Stalin took to Twitter: "Appreciate the congrats about being right on Phelps and Biles. I was a tremendous athlete too. Still am! Better than them, believe me."