Thursday, July 28, 2016

We're Just Trying to Take You to a Fucking Water Park (9:30 a.m.)

Do you even understand that? Do you? Do you even get that we are just trying to take you to a FUCKING WATER PARK?!

No, no of course you don't, because you live in Alaska, and your frame of reference is limited. 

So you don't realize that the more you fight over brushing your teeth with the sparkly toothpaste versus the strawberry kind, the fewer precious moments we'll have to spend somewhere that I SWEAR will be really fucking fun for you, and the source of many wonderful goddamned memories for years to come!

Your parents are about to spend too many dollars to endure traffic, hot concrete, endless pools full of 85 degree pee-pee water, and hordes of disgusting strangers whose elaborate tattoos, piercings, stretch marks, man boobs, back hair, and moles we will become all too intimately familar with while standing in a snaking line to climb into a giant rubber donut and slide down a plastic tube full of gushing luke-warm water.

Again I ask: Do you not get how FUN THIS WILL BE FOR YOU?! 

Why are you making it so hard for me to help you have fun? You're acting like one of those stores or restaurants in Juneau where you practically have to beg the people who work there (if you can find them) to help you spend money in their establishment. 

Similarly, I am trying to help you have fun at a place that literally exists for that sole purpose, and you won't put on shoes to go there.

Do you ALSO not get that you will be permitted to eat shit like corn dogs and cotton candy and Dippin' Dots ice cream, that repellent confection resembling the tiny styrofoam balls inside an exploded beanbag, but which is actually allegedly edible and only available at water parks, stadiums, and zoos for some reason? 

That's right. DIPPIN' FUCKING DOTS.

What more do I have to do to make you kids get ready to go to a FUCKING WATER PARK?!

GAH!




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