Monday, July 25, 2016

The False Gasper

If the "false gasper" wasn't a character on Seinfeld, it should've been. 

A close cousin of the "scary sneezer," the false gasper excels in creating unnecessary alarm and panic in someone else via the rush of adrenaline that comes from the false gasper gasping dramatically at nothing.

My daughter Paige is an honors-level false gasper. The impact is compounded in a moving vehicle, which is a favored site for practicing her craft.

"[GASP]!" 

It's the sound you'd make if you were just stabbed between the ribs with a shiv, or there's a small child in the middle of the highway that we're about to run over. No matter how many times she's done this, it catches me off guard every time.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?!" I cry out. And then: "I just saw a horse on that farm over there!"

I wait for my normal heart rate to resume before explaining for the millionth time that "WE DO NOT MAKE THAT SOUND UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY AND ESPECIALLY NOT IN A MOVING VEHCILE!"

There are also adults who are false gaspers, which I don't understand since I can't imagine how anyone survived childhood without having this habit screamed out of them by its victims. 

I assume most of the adults who are now reformed false gaspers turn into adults who do the whole "I need to talk to you about something." And you think someone died or they're friend-breaking up with you. 

Then they come out with: "Organic anchovy paste is on sale at Costco!"

"JESUS DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!" 

And the very next time they call, it's like, "We need to talk," or "Are you sitting down?" 

And you think to yourself FUCK, before learning that Finding Dory is playing in 3D at 7:50.

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