Monday, July 4, 2016

Shit My Kids Fought About This Weekend: A Highlight Reel

It always seems like just when I'm supposed to be having the most fun and making the best memories with my kids, reality intervenes to ensure that we all hate each other's guts by the end of the day. 

And welp, today was no different.

Earnest, Good Clean American Fun things like the Fourth of July inevitably turn into a hangry low blood sugar fest for me and a gross junk food bonanza for my kids. The diligence with which those two pursue and protect their burgers and peanut butter cups makes me all the angrier, because they act wholly incapable of taking the same serious and committed stewardship of literally ANYTHING else they own.

I admit I made several tactical errors, mainly driving to a parade when I usually walk, and I paid for it with EXTENSIVE whining from two children who live in a town where the worst traffic jam on the city's 60 miles of pavement is typically all of five minutes long.

Plus, none of us were well-resourced to deal with tension and conflict given the ridiculous arguments that preceded a level of parade traffic that made me want to abandon my car in the middle of the road World War-Z style. Here are the highlights:

1. Robin v. Stellar Jay:

Isaac: Look, a stellar jay is on our deck!
Paige: That's a robin. Its belly is red and stellar jays are blue.
Isaac: No it was a stellar jay, I saw it.
Paige: No you didn't, ISAAC.
Isaac: YES I DID!
Paige: NO YOU DIDN'T!
Isaac: YES I DIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDD! (wailing)

2. Paralysis 

Isaac: (jumps on Paige's back)
Paige: OW ISAAC DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD PARALYZE SOMEONE WHEN YOU DO THAT? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? IT MEANS YOU CAN'T WALK ANYMORE FOREVER!!
Isaac: No it doesn't.
Paige: YES IT DOOEEEES! (wailing)

3. The Squid in Finding Dory

Isaac: The squid in Finding Dory hurt Nemo.
Paige: No ISAAC, that was an OCTOPUS.
Isaac: NO, the purple squid at the BEGINNING. 
Paige: I KNOW, that was an octopus and it didn't hurt Nemo.
Isaac: NO I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SQUIIIIIIID!!!! (wailing).

Granted, this was nothing next to the domestic dispute I just witnessed between a 14 year-old girl and her approximately 30 year-old father over Chernobyl orange nacho "Que Bueno" brand cheese sauce from Costco (a.k.a. "the good stuff"). That argument involved a stream of profanity and required police intervention. 

So far, I've managed to avoid the latter.

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