Saturday, July 30, 2016

My Life/Body Would Be Perfect if Only . . .

A van from "Orange Theory Fitness" (with locations in Fort Collins and Boulder) pulled up to my house every morning to deliver "heart rate based personal training" with "accelerated results."

I wonder if the well-cared for looking teenager with white girl dreads I saw panhandling for dollars and "smiles" near the Pearl Street pedestrian mall yesterday secretly lives in this house? If not this exact house, I imagine maybe one just like it, and she simply grew weary of her parents always pandering to The Man by ordering up take-out personal trainers.

I also wonder if Orange Theory Fitness takes its name and inspiration from Donald Trump. Maybe its signature training method is to scream "YOU'RE FIRED!" at clients while exposing them to a ceaseless stream of televised vitriol from Trump's anus-shaped stupidity-vent until they lose their appetites? 

Regardless, Orange Theory fitness has not yet expanded to Juneau, although there is something similar. 

It's called your commercial fisher friend pulling up to your house in their pickup truck and telling you they're short a deckhand, and they need your help for the king opener on the outer coast. 

Between all the hard manual labor of commercial fishing for 72 hours straight and raging open ocean seasickness, accelerated results are guaranteed!

"Work-Hard-Doing-Real-Work-for-a-Living Theory" fitness. It's a revolution.

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