Sunday, July 31, 2016

DNA Testing Proves Trump Made of Que Bueno Nacho Cheese Sauce

New health records released by the Trump campaign reveal that Donald Trump is, genetically speaking, composed of 75% Que Bueno brand nacho cheese sauce product. The remaining 25% is tepid air, corn silk, and miscellaneous biomatter.

The disclosure comes as something of a shock, since never before has an animate mass of palm kernel oil, sodium phosphate, aged white cheddar, acetic acid, yellow #7, jalapeƱo extract, modified corn starch, and monodiglycerides ever run for the office of the United States Presidency.

Then again, Trump has broken the mold in other unexpected and unprecedented ways, such as insulting a federal judge, a POW, the family of a Gold Star soldier who died in battle, Jews, Muslims, women, Mexicans, Black People, "Hispanics," disabled people, journalists, and firefighters.

So it's actually somewhat predictable that Mr. Trump would turn out to be physically composed of a fluorescent orange cheese-flavored product as opposed to sinews, bones, veins, and tissue that form the basis of life for ordinary humans beings.

Scientists and policy wonks alike were agog: "This is certainly unprecedented," said Tim Jones, a professor at Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government. 

"Not since Netflix dropped Wild Kratts has the future of our nation's children been so uncertain," Dr. Jones added. "It certainly accounts for his orange hue, but the more interesting question, I think, is whether 170 pounds of Que Bueno and corn silk has the temperament to be President?"

3 comments:

  1. Dwanald Twump only weighs 77 kilos? Must be his hands, I'd have guessed 90.

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  2. As a long-time reader of this blog I have cringingly awaited for you to cross the line and now you did it - an apology is in high order. If you were stranded in the Andes after a plane crash and had to eat all your friends and co-travellers, this can of nacho sauce could be used to put them out of their misery, making it a lot more useful than Trump.

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  3. Prof. Jones is wrong. This is not unprecedented. This country has a tradition of Commanders-in-Cheese:

    - Cheddar A. Arthur
    - "Jack" Kennedy
    - John Quincy Edams, and my favorite...
    - Rutherford Brie Hayes

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