Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Your Baby Will Be a Big Fucking Loser and Possibly a Serial Killer Unless He Wears This Natural Baltic Amber Necklace

My days of having babies are long over (I hope), but I still firmly consider it my civic duty to keep up with the latest trends in baby style and reliably deliver them to my readership. 

And based on what I've seen out in these mean streets, your baby will probably (i.e. at least a 51% chance) grow up to be a serial killer with greasy hair and recycled glasses who collects human tailbones, strings them up like popcorn, and hangs them on a mini-plastic Christmas tree in his basement apartment in Sheboygan that has dirty Linoleum floors and drywall made to look like wood paneling UNLESS you buy this Natural Baltic Amber teething necklace and put it around his neck. 

If you don't do this, your baby will be a big fucking loser--at a bare minimum. 

There's lots of research lately into "adverse childhood events" and I read somewhere that there's like, this teeny-tiny window of time in which your baby's brain is developing and open to not being traumatized. Then I read someplace else that the only way not to traumatize your baby and inevitably turn him into a sociopath is to make sure he never cries. And the only way to make sure he never cries is to make sure he's not a big fucking loser. And the only way to make sure he's not a big fucking loser is to put this Natural Baltic Amber teething necklace around his neck. Also, it helps with teething or something.

You know it's good, because it's natural (whatever that means) and comes from the Baltics (wherever that is) and is made of amber (whatever that is--I think it's a form of ancient petrified sap with mosquitoes entombed inside from the time of the dinosaurs or something?) and secretes something with medicinal properties whatever whatever whatever and makes your baby's whole head smell like a cool breezy pine forest.

Anyeeeeeeeeewaaaaaaaay . . . 

Your pediatric acupuncturist reliably assures you that this piece of baby jewelry is a scientifically sound analgesic miracle that will keep your baby smiling at all times, and hence prevent him from growing up to be the next Charles Manson. 

Meanwhile and quite ironically, your know-it-all bitch of a mother-in-law of all people who buys supermarket brand margarine and Foster's Farms chicken cutlets on sale and drinks Ocean Spray cranberry juice cocktail with high fructose corn syrup as LITERALLY the second ingredient like EVERY DAY has the nerve to keep screaming that your baby will choke to death and glares at you and forwards you scare emails 24/7 about this amazing necklace that is so objectively fucking necessary! 

UGH!

Listen. I'm not here to solve this debate for you. I don't care if your pediatric acupuncturist is right or if your mother-in-law is. As far as I'm concerned, they're both batshit crazy assholes who deserve a joint viking funeral while they're still alive. 

All I'm saying is your baby will be at best a big fucking loser without this necklace, and everyone in his Wednesday morning playgroup will make fun of him. And at worst, he will grow up to be the next Hannibal Lecter.

And do you want that? To be the mother of someone who's already a big fucking loser at less than one year of age? Or possibly a serial killer by age 30? Wouldn't you rather he wore this necklace now than that weird metal brown hockey mask thing later? The one Hannibal Lecter wears in Silence of the Lambs to prevent him from eating a cop's face and from which he somehow escapes and goes ahead and eats the cop's face anyway?

I thought so.


Next week: Why wearing your baby tied to your body in a giant tangled mess of a sheet that you can neither put on OR take off without throwing an adult tantrum is the only way to make sure he doesn't run away from home as a teenager.



Photo: abbyslane.com

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