Wednesday, June 22, 2016

The New York Times Wedding Announcement Feature is a Fucking GOLD MINE of Satire Masquerading as Reality

It takes a certain kind of person (not to mention a certain amount of money and connections, I assume) to submit and have published the story of your courtship and marriage--complete with photo slideshow--in the "Vows" section of the New York Times. The kind of person who is either actually insufferable or fine with being made to appear that way.

I've written about this before. How you cannot possibly submit your wedding story to this feature and not expect the entire internet to troll, excoriate, and downright CRUCIFY you mercilessly--and with good reason--FOREVER AND EVER AMEN!

I started this post intending to profile a hipster named Nathaniel, whose Vows piece was over-the-top even for Vows, and thus has rightly been traveling under the internet troll bridge highway at warp speed ever since it saw daylight last week.

Nathaniel is the grandson of the real-life Von Trapps (as in The Sound of Music). According to the story and photo essay of their wedding, Nathaniel, who was raised on Martha's Vineyard, likes to "sing aloud" (opera) while walking, "chases life like a golden lab chases a tennis ball," is "the kind of person who wants to wear bright orange shoelaces in his very fancy dress shoes," and is "often seen in a bow tie or some kind of hat." He also speaks fluent Latin (useful!), and is "fond of three-piece suits." 

His wife, Jane Sloan, a PhD student in theology, is psyched, because the confidently and presumably heterosexual Nathaniel knows how to bake biscuits and "taught her how to cross-country ski on the trails outside the Trapp Family Lodge in Stowe, VT." Nothing could stand in the way of their love, not even their first "disaster weekend" at Nathaniel's family home on Martha's Vineyard where Jane's "hat blew off while [they] were sailing." But whatevs. They went back to reading Shakespeare and P.G. Wodehouse on a picnic, so all was well. Now, Nathaniel feels like he's "wading into a pool of joy" and does not "know the depth of the joy yet." 

Side bar: I frequently experience that same exact feeling, only the pool is a margarita glass, the joy is being shit-house drunk, and the depth of the pool is 6 ounces of Patron. In my perusal of photos of Jane and Nathaniel's "wedding meadow," however, I also came across many other noteworthy FUCKING GEMS from Vows!

For example, the marriage of a "successful money manager"/one-percenter to a "shockingly beautiful" yoga instructor and former beauty pageant contestant, who wed at their very own Greenwich, CT mansion in March. 

Or this pair, "a straight-A student and track star from Staten Island and the grandson of [] a New York Mafia Boss," and "an art student and dancer descended from a long line of Ohio dentists" who married at the Harvard Club of Manhattan. 

Or these two woke AF feminists, whose "first big excursion was to the Great Wall of China" and who had a classical guitarist perform "In My Life" by the Beatles at their wedding at a "former cotton-gin factory turned creative hub" in Atlanta. The groom wore "a three-piece tailor made suit from Trio, an Atlanta custom clothier and a light blush tie made by Pearl Beach Treasures."


I know, I shouldn't be judgmental, and far be it for me to begrudge these couples their happiness and good fortune. But sometimes you have to be a hater. You just have to be, and give people just a tiny smidgen of what they deserve: some light-hearted mockery that they brought on themselves for no apparent reason other than to show off.

Photo: Jacob Hannah for the NYT

1 comment:

  1. It's OK. We all know we are on the backside now of the sun's arc so a little, just a little, wide swinging hate directed towards (even somewhat undeserving) targets is perfectly acceptable.


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