Sunday, June 5, 2016

Promising Young Stanford Swimmer to Tragically Serve 3 Months in Prison for Felony Rape

After being found guilty by a jury of his peers in a rare-as-a-unicorn conviction for felony sexual assault, Beaver Cleaver doppelgänger Brock Turner will have his Stanford swimming career and B-school future tragically sullied by a six month jail sentence (likely reduced to three for good behavior, assuming he doesn't rape anyone in prison). 

The blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy next door suffered a minor lapse in judgment when he accidentally-on-purpose stumbled dick-first upon an unconscious 23 year-old woman and proceeded to rape her until he was interrupted by two interfering "good Samaritan" passersby. 

According to Brock's father, this was "20 minutes of action" for which "non-violent" Brock will now be made to pay so very unfairly by being sad and having to register as a sex offender. (Logically, the seriousness of a crime is measured by the amount of time it takes to commit it).

Who knows what this drunk slut was doing or thinking, existing in public as a fellow human on planet earth and expecting not to be sexually violated after one too many. All we know now is that a young white male's wrist will be soundly slapped by the long arm of the law, which in this case fortunately took the form of another man-judge, who knows the most important law of all: boys will be boys, especially when boys are white, drunk, and star athletes at Stanford. 

Now this boy and his charming, megawatt smile will spend a maximum of six months in jail despite a sentencing range up to 14 years, due to the "severe impact" the judge feared a longer prison term would have on him.

As for the girl and the impact to her, well who knows. Whatevs to that footnote! Let's all just pray that Brock's bright and promising future will not be the slightest bit dimmed by the brief indiscretions of his penis.

Best of luck to this fine, upstanding young man during this difficult time!

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