Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Intrepid Congressman Bravely Takes on Harriet Tubman

It's a day we can all be proud to call ourselves 'Muricans.

All the more so if you're a 'Murican from Iowa who happens to be represented by Steve King, the brave and intrepid congressman who tried and failed to block the replacement of Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the front of the $20 bill. 

The expression on the face of the famed abolitionist in this photo pretty much encapsulates what is likely the average sentient human's reaction to Rep. King's proposal. 

Particularly in light of the fact that Rep. King had earlier in the week declined to resolve more pressing matters of state, such as reducing the likelihood that one of my children will go to school one day and never come home because Wayne LaPierre needed to make sure some random cray-cray lunatic was permitted to amass an arsenal of AR-15 assault rifles with no questions asked and for no fucking reason whatsoever.

But that would've distracted from desperately clinging to a 1950's ideal of America that no matter how hard Steve King hopes, prays, or campaigns is never coming back and was a fucking complete and total tire fire in the first place for literally everyone except for people who looked and thought exactly like he does "keep[ing] what we have," which Rep. King cited as his guiding principle of "conservatism."

And of course, because it would be "racist" and "sexist" to replace a genocidal POTUS whose administration was supes into slavery with a humanitarian, Civil War nurse, and suffragist icon who, once freed from slavery herself, used the Underground Railroad to rescue hundreds of human beings from literally a fate worse than death. (Don't worry, the former will still be on the back of the $20, even if Rep. King failed in his noble mission to keep him on the front).

But I digress.

All we can do now is stand in awe of statesmen like Rep. King, who choose to fight "divisive" proposals like making us all briefly glance at Harriet Tubman's face every time we go to pay for the surf n' turf lunch special at T.G.I. Friday's.

Proposals that would further at least symbolically erode the teetering and imperiled reign of white male supremacy that benefits literally no one except white Christian men divide Americans with false categories like "sex" and "race" when we are all just "Americans." 

Our future potential Fascist Cantaloupe in Chief is not so bold. While he sees the move as "pure political correctness," he agreed to an $18 detente: place Tubman on the $2 bill instead.

Pour one out for Rep. Steve King, a true Amurican hero!

Harriet Tubman is pictured. | AP Photo

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