Friday, June 3, 2016

I Need a Safe Space to Hide From All You Fucking Assholes

I've told you before that your stupid fucking face should come with a trigger warning. And when you asked who "you" was, I told you quite plainly who "you" is. 

"You" is anyone and everyone, including your friends, enemies, frenemies, children, spouse, parents, siblings, extended family members, and ex-boyfriends on Facebook and Instagram. (Espesh your ex-boyfriends on Facebook and Instagram). 

"You" is the person who tries to ask you a question you are by no means uniquely qualified to answer when you have earbuds in your ears and also the person who won't talk to you when they have earbuds in theirs. 

"You" is the mother on the playground in Central Park who screams out at 180 decibels: "LOGAN! CADEN! LET'S GO! WE HAFTA LEAVE! WE'LL SEE THEM IN THE BAHAMAS!" 

"You" is a white dude with dreads. "You" is a straight bro wearing a pink pashmina scarf, Ray Bans, and a gigantic chunky Rolex reading the WSJ on the 6 train at rush hour. "You" is either of my kids on less than ten hours' sleep.

And now I'm saying I need a "safe space" to hide from all of you assholes, every last one. According to Wikipedia, a "safe space" is a place where:
[A]nyone can relax and be fully self-expressed, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome or challenged on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, age, or physical or mental ability; a place where the rules guard each person's self-respect, dignity and feelings and strongly encourage everyone to respect others.
For shizzle, that's totes a good idea. Not suggesting otherwise. But I'm looking for more from my safe spaces. A lot more. Because (and this should be obvious) the above description by no means guarantees safety from assholes, which is the kind of safety I'm looking for in my spaces. In fact, the above description all but guarantees there will be at LEAST one or more assholes present in the space.

So how do we who aspire to a truly asshole-free society do this? Is there anywhere--ANY space on earth (i.e., excluding outer space) that is safe from assholes? Even outer space is probably full of asshole astronauts. 

I can tell you decisively what spaces are NOT safe from assholes: my house, the Fred Meyer parking lot, the legal profession, children's sporting events and birthday parties, and the nefarious digital pipeline to the rest of humanity known as my iPhone.

My new mission in life is to find that psychological and metaphorical/metaphysical unicorn: a space that is safe from all you fucking assholes. You'd think my side of the bed would be a solid contender, but it's not always reliable. Not by a long shot.

I'm thinking the floor of a pad-locked-from-the-inside guest-room closet with a headlamp, an 18 oz. bag of blue corn chili-lime tortilla chips, and a four-foot bong between my knees. 

Who's with me? #lifegoals #safespace #banassholes.

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