Monday, June 20, 2016

Four Times Your Friend Sandra With the Tiny Titties Told You to Do Something Completely Unrealistic Given the Size of Your Obviously Ginormous Gazoongas

1. Do a 5K Fun Run to Raise Money for the Local Food Bank: "Oh, come ooooonnnn," the petite certified Zoomba instructor pleaded as she strapped the equivalent of a cloth headband around her mosquito bites. "It's not the same thing if you write a check! Just RUN with me. It'll be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUN!!!"

2. Nurse Your Baby for a Longer Amount of Time: "You know," the part-time lactation consultant and direct-market scented candle saleswoman offered helpfully as she unclasped her zero-support nursing tank top and put her baby on her breast with one hand, "The American Pediatric Association recommends nursing for at LEAST a year. You might also consider doing something about that leakage--like maybe a cabbage leaf," Sandra suggested while noting the milk stains seeping into your size 36 H cup reinforced nursing bra. "36 H?!," she giggled incredulously when you informed her of the cup size. "I didn't know bras even went that far into the alphabet!"

3. Buy That Cute Halter Dress from H&M for Debbie's Bridal Shower: "OMG," said Sandra holding the dress in which it was literally impossible to wear a bra up to her size 32 A-cup chest. "This is so cute, but I think it would look better on you. Don't you think??"

4. Just Run Downstairs So She Could Give You This Jacket You Left at Her Apartment: "Hey," Sandra texted. "I'm outside your building." When you texted back that your bra was off for the night, she failed to understand that this meant you weren't going anywhere, and you told her to just leave it on the front stoop. "But what if someone takes it?," she asked, again failing to realize that a stolen jacket was preferable to leaving your house without wearing a bra and/or putting one on again in order to do so.


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