Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Entire United Kingdom Runs Away from Home, Forgets Sandwiches and Bus Fare

The United Kingdom voted to run away from home last week, but in the days since storming out of the EU in a huff, Britain's population of approximately 62 million suddenly realized, among other things, that it needs sandwiches and bus fare to survive out in these mean streets.

The EU was pretty surprised to wake up last Friday 24 June to discover that the UK had opened its bedroom door, hopped down the fire escape, and absconded into the night with two hastily-packed duffel bags full of tea and shortbread but not much of a plan. 

Sure they'd been fighting a lot lately over allowance, too many rules, and what Britain considered unwelcome house guests. But while Britain had been threatening to run away from home, the EU never thought that ungrateful, petulant knucklehead would ever do something so impulsive and stupid.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany, while obviously concerned for the U.K.'s safety, was not about to let Britain just "enjoy the benefits of [EU] membership while sloughing off its burdens." In other words, the EU told Britain it was not about to keep paying its exorbitant cell phone bill, feeding its pet hamster, and picking its dirty wet towels up off the floor. Also, Britain should not be surprised if the EU goes through its room and gives away all its posters and CDs to its sibling nation-states; and God help them if they find any--and they mean ANY--weed or porno mags in there.

The EU would like Britain to come home, of course; but not if it means taking advantage of them and continuing to complain and not do its part around here, because the EU is done enabling this behavior. They think they can do it so much better on their own? FINE! Let them try! The EU would LOVE to see THAT!

At press time, Britain was seen group-texting Marine Le Pen and Donald Trump, its new BFFs and two ne'er do wells the EU views as an extremely bad influence on Britain, to see if maybe one of them could sneak back into the EU for a minute on Britain's behalf just to grab it an umbrella, a jam sandwich, and a few spare pounds for bus fare.

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