FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON, D.C., UNITED STATES CAPITOL BUILDING
The United States Congress today has reached a historic compromise in the battle over the Second Amendment and the regulation (or non-regulation, as the case may be) of firearms in America.
"We finally have the two-thirds majority votes we need to amend the constitution and make the National Rifle Association a fourth co-equal branch of government," said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, who yesterday was one of 53 senators rejecting numerous measures to keep avowed members of ISIS and plain vanilla lunatics from getting their hands on assault weapons more easily than they could a bottle of unpasteurized milk.
"It's about time we take decisive action, and no representative in this body will rest--nor should they--until every man, woman, and child in America either amasses their own personal arsenal of rocket-propelled grenades and hollow-point bullets OR is shot and killed by one," Senator McConnell said during a press conference from the Capitol this morning.
Wayne LaPierre, CEO and Vice President of the NRA, threw his full-throttled support behind Congress's decision lock, stock, and barrel. "It's about time we revisited the tripartite system of government that has defined our Republic since its birth," said Mr. LaPierre.
"In the wake of recent tragedies, it's become painfully apparent that the executive, judiciary, and legislative branches need some help from the NRA. We are delighted that Congress will be formally seeking to amend the Constitution to make the NRA the fourth co-equal branch of government. That should finally stop all The Bad Guys by making sure all The Good Guys shoot them in a near daily reenactment of the Alamo/an old rerun of G.I. Joe. We were hoping Congress would just delete the entire Constitution and replace it with the text of the Second Amendment, but we'll take what we can get."
The new $20 bill will feature Mr. LaPierre on the front and the NRA insignia on the back. Plans are also underway to carve Mr. LaPierre's likeness into Mount Rushmore, and replace the bald eagle with the Bushmaster M16 as America's national symbol.