Sunday, June 26, 2016

Best. Sign. Ever.

I was at a kids' birthday party at a playground in downtown Juneau trying to get my kids out of my personal space bubble (PSB). My PSB seems to be shrinking with each passing year, despite the fact that my kids are getting older, not younger, and you would think my PSB would be growing, not shrinking.

Anyhoo, both of them were hanging off either side of my body like little Styrofoam packing peanuts adhering to fabric by static electricity. I tried peeling them off. I even gently shoved them, only to have them swing back into my orbit and revolve around my torso in small concentric circles, as though I were Jupiter, and they were living, whiny moons begging for cake and ice cream and claiming they didn't "know what to do," despite the fact that we were on a playground with 30 kids and 20 different pieces of playground equipment.

I was just about to scream "BYE, FELICIA!" to get them the fuck up out my face, when I spied the best sign ever courtesy of the City and Borough of Juneau Parks & Rec. Department. It was so good, I actually walked back to my car to get my phone so I could take a picture of it for blogging purposes.

The detailed explanation of why dogs are not allowed on the rubber playground surface is genius: "Dog feces and urine are incompatible with children's play area on rubberized playground surface." 

This, of course, implies that there's something in the universe with which dog feces and urine are "compatible." 

What would that be, exactly? Juneau is definitely balls deep in dog shit. There's no doubt about it. Dog shit is pretty much the 11th biblical plague of urban Alaska. It causes a bit of an ongoing, cold culture war between dog owners, non-dog owners, "responsible" dog owners, and "irresponsible" dog owners, all of whom have opinions ranging from "I hate dogs and no one should own them" to "I don't care if your kid literally falls face first into my dog's shit in their own driveway."

Landing squarely in the middle of that spectrum (i.e., loving dogs but unable to own one due to allergies and not wanting to due to their shit and general maintenance), I found the assertion that their shit and piss are "incompatible" with a "children's play area" rather amusing. 

Because again, I put to you the simple question: With what, exactly, is "dog feces and urine" ever "compatible?" I guess maybe with garden fertilizer, at best? Being someone who can't keep a cactus alive, I'm not even sure of that much. As far as I know, dog piss and shit are incompatible with everything, not just rubberized playground surfaces; but I'm open to being educated on the subject.

Either way, this is a bit of a Socratic conundrum, one I doubt the author of this sign adequately considered. They could have just written: 
Dog shit and piss are fucking disgusting anywhere, but especially on a surface made of little pieces of rubber tire that can never absorb them, and camouflages them to the point that anyone who sets foot on a rubber tire playground surface with dog shit and piss in it won't realize they've done that until a bunch of little shards of brown, shit-covered rubber end up in their hallway at home tracked in by their toddler's Stride Rites. And that would rightfully enrage that person and make you an inconsiderate asshole. So please refrain from letting that happen. Thanks!
That would have been a more direct way to state the obvious, methinks. 

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