Monday, June 27, 2016

And Now Please Stick a Speaker Up Your Vajizzlejazzle So Your Fetus Can Listen to Vivaldi

Of all the cockamamie consumables marketed to women (especially women who are expecting babies) Babypod (TM) takes the baby shower cake.

Please set aside what I assure you is a moment well spent to peruse the website for the "Babypod" and its self-proclaimed "revolution," which almost (but yet not at all) makes me want to get pregnant with a third child. 

Yes, pregnant again, JUST so I can shove this little round pink speaker into my vajayjay and ensure my fetus becomes a first chair cellist in the New York Philharmonic. 

"The difference between music via the vagina and via the abdomen. The only way the music can really reach the baby is vaginally," the Babypod website advertises in questionable English (the device appears to originate from Barcelona).

It goes on to profess: "Babies learn to speak in response to sound stimuli, especially melodic sound. Babypod is a device that stimulates before birth through music [sic]. With Babypod, babies learn to vocalize from the womb." The online logo boasts that the device is "recommended by gynaecologist" [sic].


The only sound I'm hearing is the loud "BEEP BEEP BEEP" of BACK THE FUCK UP, because no matter what this sketchy website and its specious "research" purport to conclude, the last thing I am doing is sticking a FUCKING SPEAKER IN MY VAGINA HOLE, PEOPLE!

I mean, why stop there? 

Let's shrink down a PhD student in Mandarin or French and insert him into your uterus so he can start teaching a foreign language to your child at 24 weeks gestation! Or better yet, do the same to an SAT tutor! 

Maybe you should shove a chess rook and three knights up your snatch, so your fetus can learn how to pull off a knight to king's bishop 3 or checkmate in two moves before it's even born? 

Or insert a little poster of David Beckham for your future soccer star to post up on your uterine wall and stare at for 40 weeks so your baby is ready to take the field as a starting forward the moment it emerges from the womb and has sufficient motor skills to stand on its own?

Seriously you guys. The Babypod is next level ridonks.

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