Tuesday, June 28, 2016

6 Times You Wanted to Punch Madison's Mom in the Crotch and Force Feed Her Cheetos

1. That time Madison's Mom signed Madison up for dance class on time: "Heeeey!" Madison's mom said cheerfully at school drop off. "Did you know yesterday was the last day to sign the girls up for the next session of Bee-Bop Hip-Hop Dress-Up Dance Jamboree?" No, no you didn't. You did not know that. Too late for your kid now. Sorry, Madison's Mom.

2. That time Madison's Mom remembered to pack Madison a lunch for the zoo field trip: "What did you pack for her lunch?" asked Madison's mom. Um . . . you thought lunch was provided. "That's Okay, smiled Madison's Mom with a gleaming laser-whitened smile assisted by Invisalign. "Madison would be more than happy to split her all natural crunchy almond butter and organic banana on wholegrain ancient farro bread sandwich, wouldn't you, Madison? Otherwise I think the teachers might have Saltines or something."

3. That time Madison's Mom won an award for most funds raised in a wrapping paper sale for a swim club you didn't even know existed: "Check it out!," said Madison's Mom while leafing through a catalog during swimming lessons. "We've already raised over $500 for the swim club in this awesome wrapping paper sale!" Oh. You didn't know this thing happening in the pool right now even was a swim club, let alone that you were supposed to sell wrapping paper to promote it.

4. That time Madison's Mom bought the last doll house at Costco: "Heeey," waved Madison's Mom. "Costco has this awesome sale on doll houses right in time for Christmas! I just got Madison one for her room!" When you told Madison's Mom the next day that Costco was all out of those doll houses and the only thing you came home with was a bag of half rotten avocados, she made a pouty face and said, "Dang it! We must've snagged the last one!"

5. That time Madison's Mom dropped Madison off at school with a tray of cupcakes for Madison's birthday after a 5:00 a.m. Pilates class: "Ugh, sorry I'm all smelly and disgusting," apologized Madison's mom gratuitously in her Lulu Lemon Capri yoga pants, Athelta Spandex tank top, and little ankle socks with Saucony sneakers. "But that 5:00 a.m. Pilates class reeeeeeeeeeeeally helps me get my day started off on the right foot, especially when I only have an hour to make three dozen free-trade 100% cacao cupcakes for Madison's birthday!"

6. That time Madison's Mom asked if your kid got into the advanced math and reading group for next year: "So are you guys doing the advanced reading and math group next year?" asked Madison's Mom hopefully. "We JUST found out that Madison got into it and want to make sure she's going to have friends there."  

Photo: Womansday.com

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