Thursday, June 9, 2016

5 Tips for Putting Your Kids to Bed So You Can Feel Boiling Rage Just When You Should Be Chilling Out for the Day Yourself

1. Announce that it's bedtime and everyone needs to pee, put on their PJs and brush their teeth. Repeat 10x until the all-too-familiar psycho hose beast rage monster version of yourself rises up inside and screams it for the 11th and final time VERY LOUDLY.

2. Break up 14 different sibling fights involving the word FAIR or UNFAIR in the ten seconds it takes to walk from the bathroom to their beds.

3. Field 12 gratuitous requests for water. Attempt to answer questions about erections and evolution. Fail spectacularly at both.

4. Look outside and silently curse Alaska's Midnight Sun for wreaking havoc on your whole family's sleep rhythms.

5. Yell at the kids some more for not falling asleep, because yelling is just like lullabies, if Luscious Jackson or L7 made an album of them. Hate yourself for abject failure to Make Memories, Cherish These Fleeting Moments, Parent With Love and Logic, and Talk So Your Kids Will Listen.

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