Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Whole Entire Internet Now Officially Expert on Everything

INTERNET, WORLD--

For those of you who thought the world was in trouble, think again, because the internet is here to save all of humanity. From commenters and trolls to pundits and bloggers (present company included, of course), the entire internet is now officially an expert.

An expert on what, you ask? Well, EVERYTHING of course, with solutions to spare.

Armed with its collective expertise, the internet today will decide once and for all whether a gorilla should or should not have been shot versus tranquilized when a child fell into its enclosure, or whether the child's parents or the zoo keepers acted properly under the circumstances.

Here in Alaska, the internet also has much to offer in answer to the state's current fiscal crisis brought about by the global decline in the price of oil.

So too is the internet regularly prognosticating back and forth as to who might be the next President of the United States, but whoever wins, surely the internet will have been right.

Also, the internet is set to rule today once and for all on the merits of and solutions to the following issues: gender neutral restrooms, the refugee crisis, climate change, homelessness, and Keria Knightley's alleged bitchiness.

Internet, the whole world turns its lonely eyes to you, whoo-whoo-whoo. Truly, your expertise has arrived not a moment too soon.

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