Wow you guys. That was a close one. But I've still got a pulse and I've cheated death, at least for now. And it's all thanks to this TSA agent, who I'm pretty sure just saved my life.
Well, not this particular TSA agent in the picture. That's just a random image I pulled off the Internet. An image (if I might editorialize for a moment) of a very bright-looking bulb who appears poised to administer a swift beating and an anal cavity search with one of those magic wand thingies to the first person who dares to ask him where he got that cool looking badge. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I recognize this fellow from behind the rope of Indiscretions Gentlemens' Club off Route 17 in Paramus.
Anyhoo. Back to the woman who just saved my life, and the lives of countless other weary travelers this morning in Newark's LIBERTY airport. An airport whose regal name is oddly incongruous with the unmitigated shit hole that it is, but whose initials, EWR, seem more apt as they evoke both EW and SEWER.
The way she protected both our lives and our LIBERTY by yelling at us to TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF OUR POCKETS including our LAP TOPS BECAUSE WE WILL SEE THEM AND YOU WILL GET HELD UP!!!!
Between indifferently picking at her elaborate manicure and screaming at people to TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES, it's obvious that this hero in blue polyester was the only thing standing between me and certain death this morning.
Accordingly, I quickly banished from my mind the 2015 study conducted by this person's own employer concluding that she and her fellow American Security Heroes are literally 95% ineffective at their jobs. Ninety. Five. Percent. Which is like taking a test in school and getting a 5%, which if memory serves, translates to an F quintuple minus.
But like I said.
I banished that thought, because this woman was different. I could tell. The way she barely lifted her bored eyes from her six inch gel tip nails to tell everyone to TAKE OFF THEIR BELTS AND JACKETS made it clear that she was in the 5% of this noble agency that kept this one grandpa-looking guy from flying to Seattle with a commemorative coin in his fanny pack.
Thank you, thank you brave TSA Agent, for making sure commemorative coin-carrying-fanny-pack-grandpa guy doesn't leave my children motherless by murdering me with this embossed miniature metal portrait of Grover Cleveland.
Keep on doing what you're doing. I'd never survive without you, and clearly no one else in this entire airport would either.