Sunday, May 22, 2016

Facebook Status Updates from a Baby

OMG, LITERALLY shat up to my neck today. As in, I'm literally in shit up to my neck. If that happened to an adult? Emergency room!

I'm thinking about redecorating this pack n' play with some regurgitated breast milk. Has anyone had experience with that?

Had the BEST time ever at the mommy and baby playgroup! I licked everything in the room and I highly recommend the Melissa & Doug train set.

Okay hive mind, I need your advice: teething or just colic? So hard to tell, amiright?!

Best. Brunch. Ever. My phone is dead or I would have posted a pic of the delicious feeding tube pouch thingie of carrot-apple-spinach sauce I just had.

People keep smelling my head and making crazy faces at me. Starting to worry.

Will someone PLEASE explain delegate math? I can barely even understand patterns in black and white right now.

Someone should invent Tinder for nipples.

Poll: which board book makes for better chewing: Goodnight Moon or Runaway Bunny?

They think I'm sleeping right now. Well, I'm about to give them an earful. SUCKAHS!


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