Thursday, May 19, 2016

Attention No-See-Ums: I Hate You, Please Die in a Fire.

The mosquito gets a bad rap in Alaska as far as I'm concerned, because the worst pest here by FAR is the "no-see-um." 

Also known as biting sand flies, midges, or by their scientific name "ceratopogonidae" (try saying that ten times fast), these little blood-sucking fuckers are much sneakier, much stealthier, much faster, and much more effective than their comparably larger blood-sucking, disease-carrying competitors at making you BEYOND miserable outdoors.

Like mosquitoes, no-see-ums bite, spread viruses, suck blood, cause welts, and live and thrive in pretty much every habitat on earth. But UNLIKE mosquitoes, they are fast, small enough to get through almost anything, and virtually invisible, hence their name.

As someone who suffers from bad eczema and is allergic to every bio-particulate on earth from pollen and pet dander to insect bites and dust mites, I have less than zero patience for the swarming clouds of no-see-ums that emerge in force in Alaska this time of year, and I want them all--every single last one of them--to FUCKING DIE IN A FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me qualify that statement: I don't wish for a wild fire. And I don't actively wish harm on any living creature (except no-see-ums). I'm the sort of person who thinks piglets are cute and would never dream of harming one, but yet I still love bacon more than myself (MUCH more) and eat 8 strips of it in one sitting if possible. 

So I'm basically a hypocrite, is what I'm saying. 

And that hypocrisy extends further to these little mofos, where my respect for all living creatures easily yields to my deep desire to watch these particular living creatures go up in sky-high, white-hot, orange and yellow sparking flames. 

I know they probably play an important role in the planet's ecosystem. I know their extinction would probably trigger a cascading and irredeemable loss of biodiversity.

Guess what though? I don't care, because I want every no-see-um that ever hatches out of an egg on planet earth to fly right into the yawning, burning maw of a 500 degree hellish fire that immediately crisps them up into tiny little black cinders and sprinkles their carcasses to the four winds never to be seen or felt again. My only regret is that they probably can't feel pain, because if they could, I would want Satan to spit-roast them on a pitch fork WHILE they were dying in a fire.

In sum, no-see-ums, I hate you. Seriously, please die in a fire.

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