Thursday, April 28, 2016

Uggggghhhhhhh! Not Conflict PALM OIL!?

First it was conflict diamonds. Then it was conflict coffee. Then came conflict quinoa. Now it's conflict PALM OIL?

Is there NO totally gratuitous First World piece of jewelry or foodstuff that is safe for my guilt-free consumption in upper-middle class white America anymore?

Jesus Christ.

Palm oil, one of the world's most widely consumed vegetable oils, has reportedly been linked to deforestation, animal cruelty, and human rights abuses. That's sad and all, especially for the orangutans (who are SUPES adorbs). But frankly, I'm not sure the First World will be able to absorb this blow to its mint-chip ice cream, lipstick, shampoo, and instant noodle soup market.

I guess what I'm saying is that my quality of life and my psyche will SUFFER for this. I will not be able to apply my palm oily lipstick with a hand that bears a giant glass rock as I sip a 12 oz. Starbucks mocha after downing a tasty quinoa salad for lunch. 

At least not without feeling a tiny bit sad for a nanosecond. 

Instead, I will need to spend that nanosecond (which I would otherwise happily spend playing Candy Crush Saga or posting a cute selfie to Insta) thinking about all the poor anonymous peasants whose short, nasty, and brutish lives were spent bringing all of these products to my fingertips. Not to mention all the funny-looking trees in a rain forest in some hot, scary, bug-and-snake-infested malarial hellhole that got chopped down in bulk like a real life version of The Lorax.

FML you guys. Eff. Emm. Ell.

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