Sunday, April 10, 2016

Some Official National Days That Should Exist

I was sad about being an only child today, National Sibling Day, until several people with siblings contacted me saying how much they actually hate their siblings. Of course this makes some sense, since a sibling is just like any other person, although unlike other people, you are forced to hang out with siblings for many critical years of your life. And if you happen to NOT hate them as an adult, all the better I suppose.

But this got me thinking about some other unofficial/official new social media and/or real official national days I would like to see celebrated in the real and/or virtual world.

1. National Weed Cheesecake Day: This is the day everyone eats a giant cheesecake made with weed butter, and is expected to do nothing other than absorb its effects by sitting on a couch and giggling while staring at a wall.

2. National I-Need-Your-Parenting-Advice-Like-I-Need-a-Dick-in-My-Ass Day: "I need your parenting advice like I need a dick in my ass!" was a classic line delivered by Annette Benning in The Kids are Alright, and it's perfect. With very few exceptions, I would rather have a dick in my ass than most people's parenting advice. I suspect most parents feel the same way. Thus, there should be a day where parenting advice is verboten in acknowledgement of the fact that most parents (of ALL genders and sexual orientations) would prefer a giant dick in their ass to unsolicited parenting advice.

3. National Kim and Kanye Internet Blackout Day: An official day where it is impossible to find anything on the internet regarding Kim Kardashian and/or Kanye West, and none of their social media accounts are functional.

4. National Really?! Again With This? Day: This is the day that everyone celebrates the "theme fights" they have with their spouse, children, or other family members by announcing them on social media and re-enagaging in them all day long: the fight about money, the fight about the dogs, the fight about each other's family members and what to do about them, etc.

5. National Suddenly a 50 Year-Old Man Isn't That Disgusting Day
: This is the day it's okay to acknowledge that suddenly a 50 year-old man is someone you either have slept with, are sleeping with, soon will be sleeping with, or want to sleep with, and that suddenly this is not incredibly revolting. In other words, it's the day it's okay to finally admit to yourself that you are old AF.

6. National I Hate My Family (Especially My Siblings) Day: This is the day when you post stuff on social media about how your father was a dickhead who gave you horrible daddy issues, your mother screamed like a lunatic, and the only nice or helpful thing your sibling ever did for you was to move out of the house when you were a teenager.

7. National It's Really Okay to Have a Limp Dick Day: This is the day where no Viagra or Cialis commercials are allowed to air on basic cable, and each one is replaced with a commerical of two 70-80 year-old men having a dialogue about how maybe a limp dick is just nature's way of saying it's finally time to hang it up, and how maybe that's okay.

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