Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Operation Woo: Hillary Clinton's Secret Plan to Woo Bernie Sanders' Voters

This is huge you guys. YOOOOOGE. O.H.M. has the official scoop on Hillary's plan to woo Bernie voters! Through a freedom of information act request, O.H.M. recently obtained the establishment candidate and likely Democratic presidential nominee's SECRET PLAN to WOO disappointed Sanders voters, many of whom have vowed NOT to give Clinton their vote should she attain the nomination. Her top-secret agenda--hatched by key advisers--to convince them otherwise is retyped here verbatim:

HILLARY'S TOP SECRET PLAN TO WOO BERNIE VOTERS

Step 1: First reach out by text. Casual, but like, still sweet and affectionate. Something along the lines of: "Heeeeyyy, been thinking of you," smiley-blush emoji/heart emoji. And just sort of leave it open to see if they respond. Nothing too forward, give them some space. 

Step 2: If you don't hear from them in a week, follow up with musical card in the mail that plays protest rock medley and says, "I Bern for you, but please just say you're with me now?"

Step 3: Go to their homes while they're at work; surprise them with home-cooked veggie burritos.

Step 4: Sprinkle their bedspreads with rose petals and dank nugs.

Step 5: Leave rare, signed poster of Karl Mark in their cubicle while they are at 10:00 a.m. status meeting.

Step 6: Take them on weekend getaway to a B&B in Vermont, stroke their hair gently while looking deeply into their eyes, extolling Sanders' virtues, and vowing to honor his anti-establishment legacy if they will simply just give you their vote.

Step 7: Divest stock portfolio of gross Wall Street financial "products" that secretly back civil unrest in underdeveloped countries and have probs fueled campaign. Reinvest in public university system in all 50 states and several burgeoning retail weed establishments in Pacific Northwest. 

Step 8: Email receipts of transactions completed in #7 to prove fidelity to public interest and rejection of corporate overlords.

Step 9: Hire plane to fly back and forth over their houses with a banner that says "MY ONLY SPECIAL INTEREST IS YOU."

Step 10: If all else fails, stand outside in the rain in a trench coat while holding boombox over your head as it blasts Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes." Hope they are listening, crying in their beds, deciding that they're going to vote for you after all.


Photo: Boston Globe

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