Tuesday, April 26, 2016

God Cancels Appearances in North Carolina

Following in the footsteps of other big names like Bruce Springsteen, Demi Lovato, Nick Jonas, Pearl Jam, and Blue Man Group, God announced Tuesday that he was canceling all future appearances in North Carolina in response to HB2, the controversial anti-LGBT law commonly known as "the bathroom bill."

Reached at his celestial home in Heaven, the ancient deity remarked that He's never been so offended by anything in His 3,000 years.

"I know it will be a disappointment to faithful North Carolinians, but unfortunately I have to draw a line somewhere," God said. "Particularly because supporters of this measure are invoking My name to talk about toilet bowls and refuse to bake two dudes a wedding cake."

Sponsors of HB2 would say only that they were indeed "disappointed" with God's decision. 

God reiterated that He fully intends to return to Tar Heel Country once the state's elected officials remove their heads from their asses and repeal this unholy abomination of a law.

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