Monday, April 18, 2016

An Open Letter to My Children: I Give Exactly Zero Fucks That You Don't Like the Color of Your Plate, and You Should Too

Dear Paige and Isaac,

It's my intention that by the time you read this, you will be old and have kids of your own, so please excuse the strong language. Who are we kidding. It's not like you don't hear "goddamn cocksucker motherfucking shitballs" accidentally slip from my mouth at least twice a week, specifically every time I step on your goddamn motherfucking shitball cocksucking Legos that you left out for the zillionth fucking time that day.

But I digress.

I think it's well established that the number of fucks the average person gives in life tends to decrease proportionately with age, or at least we tend to become more selective about to whom and what we bequeath our precious fucks. So it's not too surprising that small children such as yourselves give many, many fucks about what we adults consider meaningless trivialities. The misaligned seam of a sock. The impracticality of a lemonade stand erected on a whim. The loss of a pink plastic dolphin charm you didn't even know existed until five minutes ago. 

One of these--common to all children, I believe--is the classic "I don't like the color of my plate" fuck. A close relative of this is the "I don't like this color cup" and "I want the truck/Hello Kitty fork/spoon" fuck. All three of these are given freely at mealtimes.

You may have noticed that every time you pick this fight with me, I full-on control/alt/delete SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. Paige, you don't want a green plate because that's the color of Slytherin House in Harry Potter. Fine. I respect that. But you're going to have to show your allegiance to Gryffindor in some other way. Specifically a way that does not involve me rifling through the plastic crap cabinet until I find a "gold" colored plate. Isaac, you want the red plate, because your friend wanted it, so suddenly you're a lemming jumping off the red plate cliff, whereas prior to this moment you'd never expressed a preference.

As I often say, you get what you get and you don't get upset/throw a fit, or however that expression goes. In plates, cups, and spoons--as in life.

My wish for you is that by the time you read this, you will no longer give any fucks about the color of your plate. It is also my hope that you pass down the storied tradition of lack-of-fuck-giving regarding colors of plates, spoons, and cups to your own children.

This is the legacy I leave unto you.


Your Mother

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