Friday, April 8, 2016

8 Reasons Why Pirate's Booty is Your Frienemy

1. It's "baked" and "gluten free" so you can somehow pretend it isn't actually just repackaged Cheez Doodles from the '80s.

2. It's a "Good Source of Vitamin D!," unlike Cheez Doodles, which if you'll recall, were neon orange and a good source of Vitamin Don't Even Ask What the Fuck is In Here.

3. It is easily mistaken for packing peanuts, but tastes much better than packing peanuts, orange marshmallow circus peanuts, regular peanuts, and orange Cheez Doodles.

4. Your kids are guaranteed to eat it, which is great, because again, it's actually NOT just Cheez Doodles.

5. Its mascot is a cute hipster pirate and the font says, "You can trust me. I might be a pirate, but at least I'm not Cheez Doodles."

6. It's made not just with cheddar, and not just with white cheddar, but with AGED white cheddar, instead of just "Cheez."

7. It comes in two sizes: 20 oz "kitty litter" and 4 oz. "wee planet killer." Unlike Cheez Doodles, which only came in one size because that's how shit was back in the day and everyone survived somehow.

8. You pretend it's just for your kids, but secretly you eat it by the fistful because guess what? You are human. Therefore, you love Cheez Doodles, and therefore, YOU ARE FUCKING EATING CHEEZ DOODLES, THE END.

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