Tuesday, March 1, 2016

You Can Buy Plastic Pink Bubbles for a Doll's Bath, and Really That Tells You Everything You Need to Know About Humanity

I was visiting friends in Denver this past weekend, one of whom teaches college-level evolutionary biology. I asked her how long she thought it would be before humans went extinct, and she posited that based on geologic time, it would be quite awhile, notwithstanding all the terrible things we are doing to ourselves and the planet. 

At first I felt comforted by her prediction, but then I began to question it.

The first sign my friend's theory had a chink in its armor was Target, a store I don't frequent because we don't have one in Juneau. There are lots of them in Colorado, however, and we visited one to buy some junk, i.e. toothpaste and hair ties. I looked around at the vast chasm of crap lining aisles you could ride a bike through, and wondered who could possibly buy or use (much less need) ALL of this crap. Most if not all of it would end up in a landfill, whether it was purchased or not. It was literally pre-garbage.

The second sign was the American Girl doll catalog that arrived in our mailbox last week. Regular readers will recall I have previously opined at length on the American Girl enterprise, so I won't bore anyone with another screed on that. Suffice it to say that thanks to American Girl, you can buy plastic bubbles for a doll who is wearing a retainer, not to mention a foot-bath for another doll who is getting a pedicure in a salon chair, which you can also buy, having her hair styled by a dolly hair stylist wearing glasses and purple hair extensions, all of which you can also buy. 

For your doll.

I'm not trying to be a scroogey wet blanket, but really those plastic pink bubbles tell us everything we need to know about the state of humanity. In a world where people are fleeing war-torn failed states with nothing but the shirts on their backs, you can rest easy knowing that if you're lucky enough not to be one of those people, your doll can be comfortably soaking in a tiny plastic bathtub full of tiny pink plastic bubbles that will scatter all over your home before ending up in a landfill where they will fail to biodegrade before the zombie apocalypse.

Since it's March 1, Christmas is just around the corner. So get your plastic pink doll bubble bath while supplies last!

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