Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Worst Stuff Trump Said About Women, Analyzed

There's a new conservative anti-Trump ad that's blowing up the Internet, and it's basically just a collection of all some of the demeaning, misogynistic stuff Donald Trump has said about women. 

The ad is indignant, but when you really think about these statements, they're just another example of the future American dictator/human cantaloupe telling it like it is. So let's unpack and fact-check some of them, shall we?

"A person who is very flat chested is very hard to be a ten": Though grammatically infirm, I go back and forth on the veracity of this statement. See, big tits go in and out of style over the years. I have pretty big tits myself, and frankly, they are a pain in the ass (and the chest and back), and I wish they were smaller. Small tits seem to be gaining in popularity lately, and they are certainly easier to work with from a physical fitness and sartorial standpoint, which as everybody knows are the two most important things a woman can do in this world: Work out and dress well. So I have to partially disagree with Donald here. Though note how he says it's very hard--not impossible--to be a ten with a very flat chest. Size A-cup ladies: Looks like you've got some #squadgoals.

"She had the height, she had the beauty, she was crazy, but these are minor details.": Not sure who Donald was talking about here, presumably one of his many ex-wives, or maybe Princess Diana, whom he allegedly pursued mercilessly without success. Regardless, being crazy is definitely a minor detail. That's because every bro knows chicks are batshit fucking crazy. Crazy comes with the territory of having a vagina. It's where the word hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) originates--from the word "hysteria," as it was once thought that removal of a woman's lady parts would make her less crazy, a belief perhaps firmly held in some circles to this day. Anyway, being tall and beautiful is what really matters, because again: every woman is crazy. Even the short, fat, ugly, desperate ones! See, if you're going to have sex with women, what matters is that they're tall and beautiful, because you're going to get crazy regardless. In other words, crazy is simply something you have to accept if you're a straight bro. It's part of the deal.

"I like kids. I mean, I won't do anything to take care of them. I'll supply funds, and she'll take care of the kids.": This is just Donald realigning the proper roles for men and women in the realm of child-rearing. The dad pays for everything the kids do, and the mom does everything with them. I've got this one backwards in my own marriage since I pay for practically everything and my husband watches our kids, but I've always felt like this was a bad deal (for him, not me). Time to step in line and re-calibrate the gender dynamics in my family. Who needs couples therapy when you've got Donald Trump? Thanks, Donald!

"You know, it really doesn't matter what they write. As long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.": Donald is Teflon when it comes to what the press writes about him. I mean, you wouldn't know it from the way his entire life is one giant exercise in pimping himself out to the media at all times, but it's clear he has his priorities in order: No matter what anyone says and no matter what the subject of the debate, if you've got a "young and beautiful piece of ass" hanging off your arm, guess what? DING DING DING! YOU WIN!

"Women. You have to treat 'em like shit": Ah. Now this is really the nut of it, so to speak. This is where the rubber meets the road. The cold hard truth. The bottom line. The at-the-end-of-the-dayism that only a guy like Donald Trump could say out loud with such authority and verisimilitude. It's an age old bro axiom that no matter what they say, women like to be treated like shit. They want to be treated like shit. And the reason for this is both profoundly simple and simply profound: Here it is, so listen closely, bros: Deep within the darkest recesses of every woman's psyche resides the ghost of at least one man who treated her like shit, and usually more than one: Her dad. Her brother. Her teacher. Her boss. Her boyfriend. Her husband. Her ex-husband. A bully at school who made her pull her pants down or else. A sort of rapey, mentally and/or physically abusive "friend" with "benefits" (benefits that mostly inured to him, not her, by the way). And she usually spends her whole adult life revisiting the scenes of these literal and/or figurative crimes in ways that perpetuate self-destructive, self-sabotaging misery and behavior. Ways that only men who constantly remind her of these other, earlier male malfeasors can help her repeat and perpetuate. Specifically by treating her like shit, and by fucking with her head and her body mercilessly. So. Let's review: In order to make a woman truly miserable and therefore live up to her craziest potential (see above)-- in order to OWN that woman on a psychological as well as a physical level--you need to treat her like shit. You have to do it. At least a little bit sometimes. Because this is what she is comfortable with, and this is what she knows. Does she deserve it? Who knows, and who cares. That's not really the point. What matters is that treating a woman like shit is what keeps her exactly where she belongs: Under a man's control, whether she admits it or not.

See, Donald? You deserve an honorary PhD in Women's Studies from Smith College. Ladies, amirite?! Thank you!

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