Saturday, March 19, 2016

Is There Any Possible Way the Guys from Maroon 5 are NOT Total Douchebags?

No, honestly. I'm being perfectly serious. I honestly am wondering if there is any possible way that the members of the band Maroon 5 are NOT total douchebags. I've explored facets of this particular topic too many times to even bother posting links, but I've never tested the theory directly. 

So I set out to find the answer so that you--my valued O.H.M. readers--don't have to.

You shouldn't judge a book by its cover, so I'm not saying the guys from Maroon 5 are total douchebags solely by virtue of this photo shoot; although certainly this photo shoot is circumstantial evidence of douche-baggery. It's not quite enough though, because the admittedly VERY high douche-factor of this photo is at least partially attributable to the photographers who made the band members look like total, complete, and insufferable douchebags. So I can't really make a total douchebag finding on this alone.

If you've heard their music, though, you know it's incontrovertibly terrible. Yes, every song is an ear worm. An overproduced, board-room focus group tested parasitic ear worm that kills its host. But who am I to talk? I took 14 years of piano and can't even play Mary had a Little Lamb, so I'm not saying that makes them necessarily douchey. Plenty of musicians sell out (supposedly in its early years the band "changed its image") and make crappy music that earns them gazillions of dollars and that people get drunk and dance to. Everyone's happy, except maybe other musicians. But you can chalk that up to sour grapes coupled with disbelief that this band's music is literally fucking everywhere. So I can't say their insufferable music alone guarantees that they are all douches.

And yeah, they grew up in fancy parts of Los Angeles and got discovered at a beach party in Malibu. And the lead singer, Adam Levine, was named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 2013 and is married to a 25 year-old Victoria Secret model. That's also not totally their fault.

The signature fragrance though. THAT'S where we find the smoking gun. Adam Levine has his own cologne, described like this:
Just spritz on Adam Levine for men to experience a scent that is just as vital as you are. Released in 2013 for the distinctive gentleman who likes to have fun, this playful scent features opening notes of mandarin orange and sage, along with a heart of passion fruit and ginger and a sandalwood base.
I can't. I just can't. I think this is the only direct evidence of total douchebaggery, but it's fatal. It's like the positive DNA match in a felony murder trial. The rest is circumstantial, albeit quite compelling.

I leave it to you, members of the jury, to decide.


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