Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Gut is Now Main Source of Information in America, Studies Find

The human gut has now eclipsed books, newspapers, television, the Internet, and plain old common sense as the primary source of information among Americans ages 18 to 64, according to a series of studies published this week in the Journal Asshats.

"More and more people are trusting their guts on the significant issues of the day," said Dr. Tim Anderson, lead author of the studies.

"When it comes to stuff like climate change, vaccines, GMO labeling, the qualifications for a good president, whether someone is lying, whether the earth is flat or round, and whether the stuff at Trader Joe's is really just crap from the regular supermarket put into different packaging, more and more Americans are believing their guts over and above any correct or incorrect factual information provided in words, regardless of the source."

At this rate, concludes the study, humans will evolve to have such powerful and astute guts, that their brains will become vestigial organs, relegated to the dustbin of human evolutionary history alongside the tail and extra nipples.

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