Like math, friendships are hard. There's lots of advice out there on how to recognize what the Internet calls a “toxic friendship.” But until now, there's never been a really easy way to tell that you're in one. That's why O.H.M. wrote this handy guide to figuring out if you’re in a toxic friendship:
1. You always think of those three little words: The first three words that come to mind every single time you see your friend in person, on social media, or get an email or text from your friend, regardless of the content, are: “What an asshole!”
2. You fantasize about battery acid: When it comes right down to it, you realize you’d rather dunk your head in a vat of battery acid than spend one more second even thinking about your friend.
3. You fantasize about bonfires: You fantasize about burning everything that reminds you of your friend in a giant, dramatic bonfire, recording it, and uploading it to YouTube for posterity.
4. You fantasize about lobotomies: You often wish there was some way to undergo a quick, painless, Total Recall-esque lobotomy that surgically excised any and all memory of your friend/friendship's existence while leaving the rest of your brain intact.
5. Your friendship is a one-way street: Despite knowing you for many years, your friend always talks about themselves and never asks any questions about you. When they do, it’s usually something like, “Wait, remind me: What’s your son’s name again?” Also, you are usually having this conversation at an inconvenient time, such as while driving, and it sometimes causes you to literally drive the wrong way down a one-way street.
6. Your friend plays hot and cold with your emotions and you can’t count on them for jack shit: One day they’re there, the next day they’re gone. Your friend is like Casper the Friendly Ghost, except less friendly. Also, the last time they were supposed to pick you up from the airport, they texted to say their mom was in the hospital, but you later found out they were secretly just fucking your ex.
7. Your friendship is centered on a Superfund site: The only place your friend ever wants to hang out is a Superfund site while wearing a Tyvek suit and an industrial-grade respirator; and while shoveling toxic sludge over a fence and screaming, crying, and unloading on you in a scary Darth Vader-respirator voice.
8. You actually just hate your friend: Even though your friend ends every interaction with a saccharine "LOVE YOUUU!" and you holla back with, "LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOOO," you’re pretty sure your friend fucking hates you as much as you hate them.