Sunday, February 28, 2016

In Case You've Never Been on an Aircraft That's Struck by Lightning, Please Allow Me to Enlighten You (So to Speak)

It's very loud, and highly--but HIGHLY--alarming. I have said many times that my last nerve has been frayed to the breaking point by a decade of parenthood coupled with flying in Alaska. And I am regularly convinced that the first/last 20 minutes of every flight in Alaska are also my last 20 minutes on earth. Well, tonight was no different as Alaskan aviation's usual near death experience was taken to the next level.

About 12 minutes into the flight from Seattle to Juneau, an extremely loud explosion-esque bang followed by a flash of green light outside my exit row window instantly hurtled me into post-9/11 PTSD mode, and I knew Geoff and I would never see our kids again. See?! This is why we can't take nice trips!

We were seated in the same row as two close friends from Juneau, who also happened to be taking a kid-free weekend in Denver on the same flight itinerary. The other mom laughed nervously when she saw the ghost-white rictus of horror my face had become, and I mouthed to her: "Are we gonna die?" I asked Geoff the same question, but he looked a little uncertain of the answer, which is rare for him. (The last time I squeezed his hand this hard, I'm pretty sure I was trying and failing to push a human out of my vagina).

I glanced up at the cabin ceiling. Where are those fucking oxygen masks when you need them? I am NOT cut out for this shit. When the flight attendant asked us if we were comfortable performing the duties required of an exit row passenger, I should have answered with an honest, "NO! FUCK NO! No amount of extra leg room is worth this level of responsibility!"

For a few minutes after the lightning strike, I was positive the next three words I was going to hear would be "BRACE FOR IMPACT!" But when the pilot finally spoke, he did so in a calm, measured tone, informing us that the plane was hit by lightning, which "happens." So we are turning around to Seattle and getting on a new plane, since this one has two giant holes burned into the "nose" now. (Technically, that detail was not disclosed until later).

Awesome.

So there I was, head between my knees, rocking back and forth like Demi Moore in St. Elmo's Fire, praying we were going to land in one piece. But it was all good, because the woman sitting next to me knew just what to say: "I've been flying in Alaska since 1977 and this has NEVER happened to me!" She leaned over my shoulder to peek out the window. "I think we're fishtailing a little. They never tell you the truth if something's really wrong anyway, though." She further recommended that my husband and I not travel together in the same conveyance, for the sake of our children.

Seriously?! Thanks a lot, lady!

When we finally rolled to a stop on the Tarmac at SEA/TAC, the plane erupted into applause. As we deplaned, I searched the pilot's slate gray eyes for signs of trauma, but he was poker-faced. I had the fleeting thought that I would happily administer unto him an immediate and enthusiastic blow job if doing so 100% guaranteed I would live to see my kids again. See what I mean? Someone whose mind operates like this simply does not belong in an exit row, but they never tell you that either, I guess.

Our friends guest-passed us into the Alaska Airlines Boardroom while we waited for word from the airline, which first came in the form of a text message. We were all being gifted a $75 discount for the "incident" and "experience" we'd had.

Yay!

I ate three chunks of Monterey Jack cheese and pounded a box of Junior Mints, while silently contemplating the distinct possibility that this could very well be my last supper on earth. As I write this I'm still in transit, so the jury is out on that. And I say this all the time, but if I do live to fly another day, I'm not doing it without Ativan.

This time, I mean it.


4 comments:

  1. Great blog entry! I'd like to interview you over the phone about your experience. I don't have your phone number, so please call Ed Schoenfeld at 364-1597. Thanks!

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  2. Awesome writing!! Do you write books or anything else?!? Would like to read some more of your stuff if so! It's hard for me to pay attention to things for very long unless they are very captivating lol and you definitely kept me interested while reading your blog. :-) thanks ! And I'm sorry you had such an awful plane ride! Lol I have had a pretty awful ride before due to turbulence & thankfully I did have valuume (just for emergencys, I don't like taking them unless I'm totally in a panic) and as soon as I took a half of one the plane ride for smoother ! Just my luck lol I had waited it out a good 15 min of some serious turbulence! I thought I was going to die! felt pretty tired after that.... Usually is a good idea to travel with some even though 9 times out of 10 you won't need it ��

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    1. Thanks Elissa, no books or at least not yet. I try to post something every day and I try to make it short, so please keep reading. And thank you for getting the jokes and reading the blog!

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  3. Whoa! Lovely screed that I'm happy to share with the class. May the odds be always in your favor.

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