Sunday, February 21, 2016

How You Can Tell New Relationships from Married Couples at a Restaurant

Body Language 

NR: Couple leans in to talk, deeply engaged in conversation. They laugh and make little flirtatious gestures like hair twirling and hand touching. They gaze into each other's eyes or maybe briefly down at their food before quickly resuming eye contact and smiling at each other like dopes.

MC: Couple is sitting in their own respective personal space bubbles at the table, staring vacantly through each other. One person asks the other to repeat what they just said. He or she responds: "I think they changed the lighting in here since last time. Or maybe it's the paint?" Then they both look around the restaurant at other people, silently wondering whether knowing everyone else is having a lot more fun.

Food

NR: Couple orders delicate and digestively sensitive items like ceviche or cheese plate, a bottle of wine, and a creme brûlée to share. 

MC: Couple orders whatever food they want with impunity, with no regard to the amount of farting it will cause later (e.g. nachos, brussels sprouts). In fact, the more disgusting the food, the more satisfied the couple feels that one of them will revenge-fart the other out of the bedroom that night.

Reservation Time


NR: 8:00 p.m.

MC: 5:30 p.m.

Check!


NR: Couple lingers over the check, making a polite show of who will pay the bill. They leave the restaurant with their arms around each other, knowing they're going home to someone's house to get laid.

MC: Couple looks down at their phones for the time, briefly checking Facebook to see whether their high school ex is having a more exciting evening than them. They dart their eyes around the room desperately for the waiter, gesturing urgently before they have to pay the babysitter for another hour. After glancing at the bill, one comments to the other that they're running out of money. They know they're going home to kids who say stuff like "One thing I've learned over these years is that I don't like underwear" or who write fake blog posts like the one pictured below:


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