Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Guys, the American Dream Needs an AED

If you thought Dr. Ben Carson was the only medical doctor on the campaign trail this year, you're wrong, because Donald Trump has diagnosed the nearly-dead American Dream as one that might be resuscitated. 

Dr. Donald Trump delivered some sad news late last year when America asked him, "Is the American Dream dead?" Here's what he said:

Welp, Dr. Trump's answer was basically the same as that given by Miracle Max (as played by Billy Crystal) in The Princess Bride: It just so happens that the American Dream is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do: Go through America's pockets and look for loose silver dollar coins--you know, the ones that never quite took off.

And since Miracle Max isn't here, all we need to bring the American Dream back to life is an Automated External Defibrillator, or AED. An AED is a portable electronic device that automatically diagnoses the life-threatening cardiac arrhythmias of ventricular fibrilation and ventricular tachycardia in a patient.

These devices are easy for lay-persons to use, and there're no better lay-persons to use them than the millions of American voters who want to bring their Dream back to life.

Because as Dr. Trump says, that shit is not dead yet. It's only in trouble. It just needs some assistance from the voters and Dr. Trump. They just need to follow the simple step-by-step directions, place the paddles down on the Heart of the American Dream, and yell CLEAR!!! Like George Clooney in an old episode of E.R. 

At that point the American Dream will suddenly flutter its eyelashes, cough loudly, squeeze Dr. Trump's hand, and ask in a soft, crackly voice, "What happened? Where am I?"

Then that man in the beautiful red hat will stand up next to the man in the yellow hat from Curious George, and, with Dr. Trump by his side, declare that the American Dream has been brought back from the dead so we can finally do some real jobs.


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