Monday, January 18, 2016

You Don't Own a Leaf Yet?

Wait ... you're kidding, right? Really? You don't own a LEAF yet? They're like the best deal ever! Even the government gets that. You get a tax rebate with zero down. What? You're worried a fist fight might break out among the otherwise very peaceful Leaf drivers over the limited power stations? Don't worry! The Leaf is the car of the future, fist fights for power stations be damned. I mean, it's called a Leaf. Pretend it's not a hunk of industrial equipment made in a third world sweatshop just like every other hunk of industrial equipment made in a third world sweatshop. It's still called a Leaf.

Oh your Hybrid? Please. Hybrids are so 2015, though definitely not as bad as that wreck of a gas guzzling Prius you're driving. But, I know how you and the other combusters and semi-combusters think. Always living for the moment, burning dinosaurs like you work at the Museum of Natural History.

You do realize though that if you don't eventually buy a Leaf--as in by next Tuesday--we're all pretty much screwed. Because as my bumper sticker says right there, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. And in this case, the problem is our planet becoming a seething cauldron of apocalyptic despair in 50 years and the obvious solution is buying a brand new Nissan. Therefore, if you don't buy a Leaf you're a big, huge asshole. And they'll be canceling your subscription to Mother Jones. Yes, I realize the same logic probably applies to my decision not to vaccinate my kids for polio. Pick your battles!

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day by the way! Yeah, I'm just celebrating by doing literally the whitest thing ever, a.k.a. driving an electric car to a west coast ski area and getting in touch with my Nordic heritage by Telemark skiing. That's part of Norway. Told you, whitest day ever! You're having the same kind of day, I see. Well, minus the Nissan Leaf, of course. Maybe also minus the heritage part. Because remind me, you're Jewish, right? Is it true you don't eat bacon?

What's that? This conversation is making you hate yourself? Oh ha ha, you're being sarcastic. I missed that. What did you say? You're going to drive your gas guzzler home to your garage and clam bake it while lying down in the back seat? With the garage door closed as you catalog the many regrets of your life? And write a sarcastic blog post? One you're worried will offend people for no reason because they will misconstrue it and assume it's about them and not just a fictional conversation you made up in your head? And not everyone likes satire or your sense of humor? And then after that you will vaguely wonder whether carbon monoxide or weed smoke will render you unconscious first? And then you'll go back to the part where you start cataloging all your regrets while fending off a tidal wave of depression?

Oh wait. That was all a joke, right?

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