Also if I lost ten pounds by tomorrow without having to wake up at 5:40 a.m. to run on a broken-down treadmill . . . Who am I kidding? I’m never gonna do that . . . But I’ll set an alarm for it anyway . . . What ring tone should I use? . . . “Crystals?” Or something more jarring, like "beacon" . . . ?
Let me just peek at Facebook and Twitter while I’m at it . . . Why am I so addicted to this stupid phone? . . . “Mommy’s addiction to an iPhone” will be my kids’ #1 therapy subject . . . But I will definitely stop looking at social media once I learn for a fact through unimpeachable evidence and unassailable proof that anyone whose dick I’ve ever encountered or even contemplated encountering is forever pining for me in unrequited love and misery . . .
I wonder what I would need to do to get some Percosets without being labeled as a drug seeker or actually breaking a bone? . . . I did fall skiing the other day and my shoulder hurts a little . . . Maybe that’s enough? . . . I love the way prescription opioids take you to another planet . . . Waking up in a cold sweat and not being able to shit for a week is totally worth it . . . God I hope my kids don’t become heroin addicts . . .
Ugh, I have to fart but what if someone walks into my office right afterwards? . . . That would be super embarrassing . . . Better hold it in . . .
Who won the Powerball, I wonder? . . . God, imagine winning the Powerball? . . . I don’t understand statistics, but I'm pretty sure you’re more likely to be struck by lightening twenty times in the vagina and get eaten by a shark right afterwards than win the Powerball . . . Not the best odds . . .
People keep telling me to read Jenny Lawson . . . I started to and then got scared because I recognized her brand of insanity as terrifyingly familiar . . . What does that mean? . . . She seems functional though? . . . I mean, she wrote a book? . . . TWO books actually! . . .
Ugh . . . this one little hair on my chin is really sharp . . . I think I should attack my face with a tweezer for awhile . . . Wow, this lighting makes me look HIDEOUS . . . I really need to stop picking at my face . . . Didn't Jenny Lawson have this same problem? . . . And also does that thing where she wakes up in the middle of the night and writes down a million thoughts . . . If that's what I learned in only ten pages, I really MUST be crazy! . . .
Should I go downstairs and see if there's any cold, shitty coffee in the break-room? . . . I'm too lazy and cheap to go buy a good cup of coffee . . . Plus caffeine is really bad for sleep hygiene . . . Why do I have so many bad habits? . . . Maybe I should just skip it . . .
Let me look at my calendar . . . Wait, fuck . . . Am I missing a deadline right now? . . . OMG it's almost 5:00 p.m. . . . What will the children do to torture me this evening? . . . I can't believe that's my response to going home from work with literally only three hours to spend with my kids until bedtime . . . Seriously, what kind of mother am I?!