Saturday, January 23, 2016

This Dude in Congress Literally Wants America to Eat Shit and Die

It's well known that almost everyone in Congress wants America to eat shit and die, metaphorically speaking. This is clearly evidenced by near criminal Congressional inaction on issues that directly impact human life such as a boiling planet, a toxic food supply courtesy of Monsanto, and kindergarteners getting slaughtered with assault rifles while sitting in a circle on the rug doing their ABC's.

Until last Tuesday though, no elected official has publicly advocated for America to LITERALLY eat shit and die.

Enter Thom Tillis, the Senator from North Carolina who wants Big Government out of public bathrooms so that Chipotle won't be alone anymore in its dubious distinction of tops for E. Coli outbreaks. Here's what he said last week, out loud, in public:
I was having a discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like ‘maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,'" he said. When the conversation turned to restaurant regulations, Tillis recalled saying, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom.’ The market will take care of that. It’s one example.
M'KAAAAAYYYYY.

I get it. The free market--some form of "trickle down" economics, so to speak?--will eliminate the barista who pees or shits all over their hands and then assembles a bunch of sandwiches and a few dozen mochas. Then that big, bureaucratic, over-funded government pork barrel known as the CDC or worse---some state-level Department of Health---will come in and just shut the place down. 

Or actually they won't, because all the customers who are home shitting blood will figure out where they contracted their most recent food-borne illness and just won't go back to that particular Starbucks on Riverside and 4th anymore.

Isn't that what you go to Washington to do? Say a big "fuck you" to the public health, welfare, and safety and attempt to eviscerate and undermine the public institutions that are technically under your stewardship? 

Ah, government at its best. What a statesman. This guy's a regular Abraham Lincoln. I'm on pins and needles waiting for his next speech. It'll be like the Gettysburg Address: 
Four score and seven years ago, I brought forth upon this nation a great idea: Get rid of all cumbersome regulations, especially that one where restaurant workers have to wash shit off their hands before preparing food for public consumption, 'cause that's just too much government on your toilet seat and in your grilled eggplant panini. 
Live free or die? I don't think so. Eat shit and die, America!


2 comments:

  1. Not the first one to propose this, but it confirms that they know what they are saying. Fits right in with the 'taste' for freedom: "No body so full of bullet holes, no family member so ill from food poisoning..."

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  2. OHM, perhaps there a tasty flea to pick off this dog. A chance for the market to do it's magic. Imagine the "clean hands" equivalent of vegan or glutten free meals. Consumers could decided. Operator would be compensated for the many hours employees waste washing their hands. And there might actually be a remunerative place those unappreciated obsessive handwashers.
    Of course the CDC trials should be run on his constituents as a demonstration that this politician stands by his words. It's hard to contain the possibilities.

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