Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Only Five Situations in Which You Should Ever Listen to Coldplay

Coldplay is exactly like Radiohead, only more depressing, less weird sounding, and definitely better looking. Which is why you hear Coldplay fucking EVERYWHERE. Really though, you shouldn't, because Coldplay is an appropriate soundtrack for five and only five situations, as follows:

1. "The One That Got Away" Finally Got Away For Good: You determine through Facebook that The One That Got Away is moving in with his smoking hot girlfriend and her brood of children. You promptly swallow two Tylenols PM, climb into your sleeping bag, bury your ear buds in your ears, and blast Coldplay while generally feeling and behaving as though you're 14 instead of 40. I recommend "Don't Let it Break Your Heart" or "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" in this scenario.

2. You Just Euthanized Your Dog: It's finally time to say goodbye to your Retriever-Lab mix of 13 years. Once the unholy deed is done, you can sit in the driver's seat of your car in the parking lot of the vet's office and smell your dog's toys while you tell yourself he had a good life. Weep along to "Fix You" or "Sky Full of Stars" as you scroll through photos of him on your phone in which he's frolicking on the beach or looking up at you with his devoted, loyal doggie-eyes.

3. You're Moving to a Tiny Flat in London to Escape Your Past: You're getting out of New York City because you hate everything about it and yourself. So you move to another tiny apartment in the British equivalent of New York, but you call it a flat instead of an apartment. And nothing is more British than Coldplay in a London flat! Blast "Clocks" on your iPhone while you're "minding the gap" down in the Tube and pretend everything's different because you're in England now. Also, remember to look both ways before you cross the street, because otherwise you might get hit by one of those red double-decker buses, and it would be extra sad (not to mention very embarrassing) if you died while listening to Coldplay.

4. You're Daydreaming About Chris Martin Being Your Boyfriend:
 You tell yourself that the main reason Chris Martin consciously uncoupled himself from Gwyneth Paltrow was to be your boyf, a fact of which you're even more convinced when you go on Wikipedia and discover you were born the same year. Listen to "The Scientist" because he clearly wrote that for you. He knows how you like it all intellectual and shit. You consider rubbing one out, but you're tired and don't have enough concrete material to go on . . . not yet, anyway!

5.  You're About to Embark on a Juice Cleanse Endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow: There's nothing sadder than Coldplay, except a juice cleanse. And there's nothing sadder than a juice cleanse, except a juice cleanse endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow. Go on her website and find out what particular combo of kale, quinoa, flax seeds, coconut oil, fish scales, and unicorn horn dust she's telling you to drink now in order to become thin, rich, and blonde like her. As you take your first sip of the vile concoction, listen to "Yellow," which invokes images of increased urination and cleansing.


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