Saturday, January 2, 2016

Teaching My Mom to Use the Copy/Paste Function on Her iPhone Was Like a Kafka Novel

Mom: [Text with 100 elaborately chosen emojis and then: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAIGE!"
Me: Hey mom, I'm at work. Can you text that to Geoff's phone instead? He's home with the kids.
Mom: How do I do that? 
Me: What do you mean "how do I do that?"
Mom: Wait, I'm calling you. [Calls on landline]
Me: Mom, just copy and paste it.
Mom: I don't know how to do that.
Me: What? Do you seriously not know how to use copy/paste on an iPhone?

Mom: Of course not! You know me!
Me: Ok, hold your finger down over the message.
Mom: Wait wait . . . Ok . . . I'm holding it down. Oh wait. Ok . . . I see. Copy . . . paste . . . select all . . . Ok . . . I think I did it.
Me: Ok, now, go start a new text message, as if you are writing a new text message to Geoff.
Mom: New text message . . . Ok . . . got it.
Me: Ok, now go to the part of the text message where you write the message.
Mom: The part of the message where you write the message . . .
Me: Oh my God.
Mom: Wait, wait. OK. I'm there I think.
Me: OK, now hold your finger down again and you will see a "paste" option.
Mom: Hold my finger down . . .
Me: Now you're just repeating the second half of every sentence I'm saying.
Mom: OK, wait . . . 
Me: You're literally working to cure AIDS and are a medical school professor at Columbia University. How is this happening right now?
Mom: Wait! I see it! PASTE! THERE IT IS! I GOT IT!
Me: Amazing. I love you.
Mom: Love you too, sweetie! Bye!

My mom, surrounded by work and semi-ineptly using another Apple product.

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